Clarity and Chaos

clarityTwo opposing forces?  I don’t think so. Divine truth.  Whatever runs through my head, the tears that fall, or the mountain of emotion that invades my spirit and my heart all leads to Truth. My thoughts today are clearer.  Clarity in the direct center of all the Chaos.  God help me as I try and understand this.

We are so small.  We are all gods.  In our own hearts.  That blade, as I drag it across my skin can end any inkling of hope I had of this world.  Where do I belong?  This isn’t even a rat race.  I have been conducting exercises of futility.  Results aren’t changing because I haven’t gotten up off of my fat ass to do anything about it.  The drive.  Oh that drive.  Was I always manic when I was younger?  Is that what helped me lose the weight and hold jobs for all those years?  I wonder.  People.  Interesting creatures.  Doctors.  Even MORE interesting.  Oh but they don’t know what the fuck they are talking about.

Being in this state.  I am ME.  Fucked up little bipolar me.  If that’s what they call it.  Life in the mundane.  You know working every day really screwed with me.  I felt like putting a bullet in my head.  So unhappy.  Where does it end.  I have to go back to work full time within a year.  The Virginian.  My future.  How do I tell him I am a lazy bum?  Eventually he will find out, and of course leave me.

The Drive.  Oh how I miss it.  Unmistakable ambition.  Oh.  I am capable of it.  The ruthless ambition.  Its in me.  But where?  This universe cannot hold me.  I want to live among the stars.  I am Stardust.  Just flying through space that is bottled because of these fuckin’ pills.  They have me stable.  But do they really help?  I am at my best when I am unstable,  Sure, I can’t control it.  But wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could?

Controlled Chaos.

The Ultimate Clarity.

God hear me.

The universe is calling me.

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2 Responses to Clarity and Chaos

  1. Beautifully Broken says:

    You are NOT a lazy bum!!! You deal with an illness that makes us feel that way, but that is not you and that is not me! I love your posts, please hang in there. I’m with you mostly in the suffering. But I will stay, if you sill stay. So whatever it is YOU need to do to hang on.

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