How many times have you stared up at the clouds and said to God, “this is it right?” On this cold winter’s day I look up at the clouds and I feel an overwhelming sensation of melancholy. It isn’t the same as it was years ago. I will be 35 this year, and I have FINALLY learned something about this thing called love.
It isn’t certain. Humans are unpredictable. The Virginian talks about a hidden variable in relationships. The one thing that can destroy them. He is fearful that that I will end up leaving him as so many others have done. Or he may leave me. That hidden variable. That’s the tricky one.
I look up at the sky and I think in time and space and in terms of the universe. Our hearts can soar and reach heights that can rival even the blissfulness of Heaven. Then we can be left broken that not even the fires of Hell can compare to. Why is this? Do we have to endure this? I have been reading posts that deal with “heartbreak” these past few days and I am amazed at the clarity. the hope and the undeniable pain some are feeling. Must we experience this to experience Joy?
My bipolar is my key. My mind is open and not as heavily medicated as it used to be. I feel things. Horrible things most of the time, but at least I feel them. The fact is I don’t want to go to the doctor for more pills. I want to feel every sensation, all the joy all the heartbreak. To be honest, this thing with the Virginian is false. Its a false hope of love. I am flying blind into it, but I know deep within myself that he is not “The One.” Why am I holding on then? Because fuck maybe he is. Haha. Totally contradicting myself there. Isn’t that what love is though? A total and utter contradiction? Tying yourself to someone where the whips and chains they are beating you with feels so good, like the exquisite pain of a hope of the future. I don’t know. I will never understand love. Will you?