You know there is a law somewhere that says, if you do something repeatedly the same way why would you expect to get a different result? I am drawn to a particular kind of man. Emotionally unavailable, romantically damaged, or just plain stupid. My self worth has been measured in direct result of many relationships, whether is is full on dating or whether they were just one date or even if we have just chatted online. When these men disappear, or tell me there is “no spark,” I immediately turn it on myself and tell myself the most horrible things. “You are too fat, too ugly,” and so forth.
However through my bipolar haze of upward and downward emotions, clarity has arisen. Its a pattern dear. The Virginian. My latest obsession. He hasn’t rejected me, nor disappeared, but isn’t giving me anything. I am chasing after a man that just doesn’t have it in him to commit to anything, not even a constant pattern of talking to me semi-daily. Three, four days go by with just silence…..until I have the courage to call him and sometimes he just doesn’t even pick up? I mean, I am broken. My ex had told me there was no spark. The dates I went on weren’t attracted to me because in my opinion I’m too fat.
Something, ANYTHING, has got to give. In this push and pull something is going to break and I think it is me. Being bipolar clouds things. Meds numb you or knock you out. You never get to just be you and just fuckin’ think. Somehow, some way I am thinking. Clarity. Its a goddam miracle. Who knows, I am on the lowest dosage of Haldol, so maybe they are just wearing off. Then again it could be because I am finally getting enough sleep. The crying has stopped. The gut wrenching pain has let up. Things make sense.
Fuck you Bipolar. Now I can think.