Sadness and Disappointment in the Universe

Grand_UniverseSometimes, just sometimes, we wake up and say today will be better.  God will hear my prayers today and everything will be just fine.  Then we find out our dreams and hopes have been crushed and the days just kind of run together.  I am blue.  Gutted from the inside and out again.

Bipolar haze.  My psychiatrist is getting on my last nerve.  He wants me to do all these tests.  Just give me my scripts and leave me the fuck alone please?  I don’t want to face the world.  The next few days are going to be hard.  He is all I think about.  I am totally and utterly obsessed.  How do I deal with a man like this?  This is hard.  So vague.  So closed off.  He wants to be alone.  I am too available.  He doesn’t miss me like I miss him.

I wish I didn’t feel.  I don’t want to feel.  The universe is calling out to me.  God its cold. Take me away.  Take me from this life.  I want to go.  I don’t want to be here.  I feel so trapped, so caged.  All I ever wanted was a man’s love.  I am never getting that.  I am putting my heart and soul into this and getting nothing back.  In relationships one will always take more than the other.  And then the other is left with an aching emptiness that time and space won’t heal.

Take me.  Oh take me.

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4 Responses to Sadness and Disappointment in the Universe

  1. I feel your pain with the day today struggle as with relationship pain. I’m trying to stay clear of relationships for a while because they seem to really trigger mood swings that scare the shit out of me. I don’t want to be here either. 😦 I go to bed at night with some small hope that I will wake up and the next day will somehow be a little better, like maybe my new meds will kick in, or some of this depression will just cease, but it’s been 4 months and nothings changing.

    • Well, you know, I am starting to understand that my pain is misguided. I am turning everything inward when really I am just choosing the wrong men. I have a lot of struggles to deal with and I am learning (especially from past experiences) that it may not even be me at all. I am sorry that you are struggling. You can always reach out to me at unchainedsoul1980@gmail.com if you want to talk. I am here for you 🙂

  2. This totally resonates with me. I felt the same exact way but about my therapist…flash forward three months later we ended up dating for 18 months. It was totally F*ed up. She withheld the fact that she had a wife and kids when she began the relationship with me. Enough about me

    Him holding the “boundary line” with you is a good thing. It will help you in the long run to find a healthy man who will love you fiercely. Hang on, it gets better and it won’t feel this hard forever.

    Being bipolar sucks. I’m sorry you have it too. Sending love your way.

    ~your fellow struggling sister.

    • Hello struggling sister,

      Thank you for the kind comment. Its hard I know, and I am truly sorry you had to go through that. Things will get better, eventually one day things will be clearer, I am hopeful about that. Sending love back your way!

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