Lust, Love and Darkness

The Darkness.   Nothing can express it more than my last post “The Dagger”.  Someone as fucked up as I am had two Valentines this year.  Two men that mean more to me than life itself.  One is my ex who broke my heart two years ago and still remains my best friend forever and the other is a new shiny relationship.

The Lust.  I am a sexual demon. I am a homicidal, suicidal wreck.  It boggles my brain how fucked up I really am.  I have engaged in cyber online sex for a few years now and as it has evolved from text chatting, into full blown cam and voice sex and I became addicted.  Men telling me they are hard as soon as they see me sign on and so forth.  But the ultimate quest is Love.

How could a person like me love?  Sometimes I have no morals, no remorse for anything I have done.  But I feel it.  Every aching bit of it.  Its the bipolar.  Pills.  Fuck.  Writing just to write, just to feel.

A lot of people were alone this Valentine’s Day.  Who said I could never find love in this life?  Oh yeah that was me.  Baby names.  Did I really discuss baby names with the Virginian?  Who would have thought.

That all consuming self-hatred though it shakes me to my core.  The plunging in my heart. I want to drown.  Drown in alcohol.  Just plunge in a sea of self medication.  You know being bipolar is a hell that no one can imagine.  I am here.  Today isn’t a bad day.  But I am a procrastinator.   I haven’t gotten on the treadmill.   I haven’t cleaned my room.  I haven’t done my taxes.  Everything seems like a fucking mountain.  Kill me.  Its a mountain.  I want to be beamed up.  I want the world to end.  I want something to change. ANYTHING. Shake me. Wake me up from this nightmare.  The dagger so close to my heart now I can feel the blade.  Shiny, and exquisite pain.  Bring it.  I can take it.

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