Plunging in my heart. I am here again. Loving so hard and so fast that I want to die. Bipolar. Pills. Do I go to my psychiatrist and tell him to give me something else? Or do I fight through this. Feel it. All of it. I want to be taken. Off this Earth. It’s the same old story. So much pain. What is this? Why does it hurt so bad? Feel it. Feel all of it. Let it kill me. Let it consume me. Feel it. Like a dagger. Like a dagger.
Want to be better. Don’t want this. I am envious of people that don’t feel. Live life through their texting, Facebook, and laughter. Marriage, children, careers, and I am left behind. Can I have all those things? Where am I in this life? 35 years, 10 years in total darkness. Sex, alcohol. Drowning in pills. Like a dagger. Time, sneaking up on me. Like a predator stalking me. Why does he have teeth? Why is he biting down upon me. Take me from this life. This hell. Do I find Jesus? Will he be my salvation if I turn to him. I am too far gone into my hell to find him. Like a dagger. Take me aliens. Take me up, change my brain. Show me what I am capable of. Make me an artist. Make me something more than myself. I feel like nothing. Drowning. More pills. Bipolar. Fuck. Just take me and kill me.
My dear sweet Musings, we have much in common. It is just now at 10 years that I’ve been fighting this bipolar hell and each time I check into some hospital or try some new med that doesn’t work I feel like giving the fuck up. I also feel my mental illness often skews my view of God, Jesus, religion, right and wrong. I felt so discouraged today that I though suicide or hell would be better than this roller coaster that goes up and down and flies of the track.
I think you have such a gift in how you expressed yourself, you feelings. You give me a reason to go on! XXOO
Let me tell you something. You have no idea how that warms my soul. I feel “Beautifully Broken” myself. Thank you so much for your kind words. We are in this together. This bipolar hell will not kill us. I refuse to let it, even though the sweet release would be exquisite. If you want to chat I am here. I have gmail, yahoo, and AOL. We can talk, and fight this together. I am always open to new ideas.
Again thank you so much. I look forward to reading your blog as well. 🙂