Down the rabbit hole I go. Although its not wonderland I am going. Its that dark place. That place I went to when I swallowed a whole bottle of pills. I am at my worst. Yet I am in love? What? Fuck you bipolar. You don’t want me to be happy you bitch.
Fuck you life. You kicked my ass. I give in. You win. I am nothing. I lost. The fight is over as I plunge the dagger in my heart and drown in the abyss of darkness. The Virginian. Will you miss me? D. I know D. will miss me. My family will be so heartbroken. I am at a loss for words as common sense sinks back in.
Where did this come from? I miss him. He likes space. But I miss him. The gut wrenching longing of the labor of love. This is a great opportunity. To lose weight, focus on myself and shake this. But no. I am a coward. I’d rather die. I don’t want to feel this.
I shut off my phone today. Miracle right? Lost from the world. Not sure how long I will leave it off. I don’t want to be found. Don’t find me. Let me crawl away and die like the coward that I am. Fuck. Has it really come to this. The Virginian. I do love him. Truly. But its another mistake. He is not what I need. I need a man who loves me like the ocean of deep waves of passion. I need a man that loves me like what those love songs are written about. No man really ever loved me. I have always chased after them. Let myself fall. Become what they wanted so that I would be happy. Always miserable. Always second best. This is not working. The worst part is that he doesn’t know. My friend told me I should tell him that I miss him at least and let him know some of what I am going through. But I don’t even want that. I don’t want to tell him. Don’t want him to hear that missing him so much is causing me to fall back into a deep depression where I want to die.
Fuck you bipolar. I am so fucked. I wish I could turn this off. Just turn everything off. My chest hurts. That dagger is digging in. Scraping the sides of my heart and it plunges deep within my soul. How could I love so much that I want to die? This is not good. I am at a point where the choice is clear. Snap out of it you spoiled bitch! You have everything! Money in the bank, roof over your head, a family that loves you and takes care of you. What in the fuck is wrong with you? Is this what those rockstars and movie stars feel? Loved by so many but that self-loathing emptiness consumes them? I could let myself go and drown in sex with strangers and just fuck anything and anyone.
Fuck you bipolar. Time for a drink. Gonna drown in alcohol till I can’t feel anything.