Dagger Through the Heart as I Drown

daggerDown the rabbit hole I go.  Although its not wonderland I am going.  Its that dark place. That place I went to when I swallowed a whole bottle of pills.  I am at my worst.  Yet I am in love?  What? Fuck you bipolar.  You don’t want me to be happy you bitch.

Fuck you life.  You kicked my ass.  I give in.  You win. I am nothing.  I lost.  The fight is over as I plunge the dagger in my heart and drown in the abyss of darkness.  The Virginian.  Will you miss me?  D.  I know D. will miss me.  My family will be so heartbroken.  I am at a loss for words as common sense sinks back in.

Where did this come from?  I miss him.  He likes space.  But I miss him.  The gut wrenching longing of the labor of love.  This is a great opportunity.  To lose weight, focus on myself and shake this.  But no.  I am a coward.  I’d rather die.  I don’t want to feel this.

I shut off my phone today.  Miracle right?  Lost from the world.  Not sure how long I will leave it off.  I don’t want to be found.  Don’t find me.  Let me crawl away and die like the coward that I am.  Fuck.  Has it really come to this.  The Virginian.  I do love him.  Truly. But its another mistake.  He is not what I need.  I need a man who loves me like the ocean of deep waves of passion.  I need a man that loves me like what those love songs are written about.  No man really ever loved me.  I have always chased after them.  Let myself fall.  Become what they wanted so that I would be happy.  Always miserable.  Always second best.  This is not working.  The worst part is that he doesn’t know.  My friend told me I should tell him that I miss him at least and let him know some of what I am going through. But I don’t even want that.  I don’t want to tell him.  Don’t want him to hear that missing him so much is causing me to fall back into a deep depression where I want to die.

Fuck you bipolar.  I am so fucked.  I wish I could turn this off.  Just turn everything  off. My chest hurts.  That dagger is digging in.  Scraping the sides of my heart and it plunges deep within my soul.  How could I love so much that I want to die?  This is not good.  I am at a point where the choice is clear.  Snap out of it you spoiled bitch!  You have everything! Money in the bank, roof over your head, a family that loves you and takes care of you. What in the fuck is wrong with you?  Is this what those rockstars and movie stars feel? Loved by so many but that self-loathing emptiness consumes them?   I could let myself go and drown in sex with strangers and just fuck anything and anyone.

Fuck you bipolar.  Time for a drink.  Gonna drown in alcohol till I can’t feel anything.

Stay tuned.

This entry was posted in Bipolar and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Dagger Through the Heart as I Drown

  1. crazyruthie says:

    i’ve been there. as much as it seems like it’s going to be painful forever, you need to keep telling yourself you’ll feel better eventually. it’s not forever,i know your heart tells you otherwise. love yourself! you are being strong just by sharing your pain with others, and i know there are lots of people who really understand. be safe. ❤

    • Thank you so much! I have this pain. Emotional pain that is with me. My experiences have taught me so much, yet nothing. Thank you for you kind words and for caring. I appreciate it very much. ❤

      • crazyruthie says:

        well, having been in that horrible dark place you are right now, on many occasions. hang in there! i know there’s nothing in the world that i could say to make you feel better, but even though you’re a stranger, i can relate to really well. your words touched. me. i know it rips you up. stop by and we can talk if you ever want to. 🙂

        you’re most welcome. you deserve special treatment right now! you sound like you’re so low you seriously need someone to be really nice to you. 🙂

      • Sure I would love to talk and share experiences. Maybe you can tell me some of your thoughts and stories? I would love to hear more about you. You are very kind, and I am so grateful that you reached out. How can I contact you?

      • crazyruthie says:

        i use google hangouts for chatting and gmail for emails. is there something like personal messages here? i don’t want to give out my info where everyone can see it. it will be have someone that totally understands. my obsessions with people you date. i fell desperately for someone i met 3 days ago or stuff like that. lucky for me i met my husband when i was 23 and we got married a few months later. he takes such good care of me. but i know that feeling of needing someone to the point of hysteria. hugs!

      • I totally understand! Unfortunately there is no personal messages here. You can contact me on gmail with your info. My info is unchainedsoul1980@gmail.com. We can chat there. Look forward to hearing from you!

      • crazyruthie says:

        great! i’ll contact you with my info. i warn you, i get social overload pretty quickly, so sometimes i can’t talk. i’m doing a bunch of stuff at the same time, so i can’t chat now, but when i have a have some time i’ll be ready to talk. this will be really nice! btw, what is your name? 🙂

      • Oh its no problem! I am Lynn. Its nice to meet you ruthie! I totally understand. I am just gonna lay back and chill for now, so when you are ready just send me a quick email. Thanks again!

      • crazyruthie says:

        lynn is a nice name! get some rest. i’ll be online a lot of the time today. 🙂

  2. KaleverA says:

    I feel the same as you. Well, not exactly the same. You write very well and it almost makes me forget that you are hurting. I am hurting too. I hope you find happiness and a place of pure contentment. Have you tried meditation? Prayer? I have never been to church or read the bible, but I pray often and I believe he listens. How much weight do you need to lose? I am on a 140lb. weight loss journey. Instagram is a great platform for support and encouragement for people losing weight. Keep your chin up🌼

    • Thank you for commenting! I appreciate your kind words. I actually want to lose 90 pounds. And the pain in unmistakable. Being in love causes so much pain. Its unbelievable. I wish I could find peace. Meditation is hard with a racing mind and racing thoughts. And I do pray, even though I feel left behind. I will catch up. I know I will!

      • KaleverA says:

        If you practice meditation, eventually you will learn to control and calm your mind. I can be nothing other than kind when I see someone so wounded and hurting so badly. I hope you find peace and you have a friend in me❤️

      • Aww thank you so much. Your words are truly comforting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s