Obsessed…..

obssessedSo the obsession has set in.  Bipolar, why do you forsake me?  I am obsessed with the Virginian.  Totally, utterly, completely.  Drowning.  Every day is a constant battle.  Sure I can go to the doctor and say give me something for this OCD I have created in my head, but what will that do?  I am at a point of no return.  Nothing is working.  TV, chat, music, things that used to bring me joy no longer have meaning.  I just want to talk to him, be with him.  I have lost myself.

Fuck.  Am I really this screwed up?  I think to myself, can I do this?  Can I make it through this?  Love and pain come from the same place of your heart, but what about obsession?  I know it comes from the heart as well.  This gut wrenching, can’t-live-without-you pain.  I told someone about it and he asked me if I will tell the Virginian all this.  I won’t.  I will not give him that power over me.  I fall so hard so fast.   I never do anything half way.  I did it with the soldier.  I fall way too hard.  Even when things aren’t even real.  But this is different.  This is not some passing fling over a month or two.  This has been dragging out for a while now and as we get closer I am more and more lost.

The phone rings.  Will he pick up?  My heart beats so fast.  I love you.  Dear God.  Please. Please give me the strength to fight the obsession.  I am totally utterly engrossed in this other human being and he has no idea.  I am fighting every fiber of my being for control. Fuck you bipolar.  Ugh.  I need a drink.

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2 Responses to Obsessed…..

  1. Todd says:

    You know something I know a thing or two about obsession believe me I hate myself for being the man I’am today so many times I wish for a quick death but I figure I can take the pain i try to pray but I’m not that asking for God stuff these days I just order online let the madness pass me by but now I’ve made a huge mistake I don’t think I could fix it but I want to make things right again I don’t know how but lord knows I could get a blessing from up on high and also I need to repent in fact atonement is my ticket to get outta of this insanity I hope you don’t think of this as a confession I’m not apologizing for what I did but I want to this to be clear……… I want to change maybe start something like a family or my own business so unchained soul from one OCD person to another you think I should ask God for his help?

    • Yes, I am sitting here thinking if I should pray. I am gutted, lost. alone and scared. My obsession is all consuming and engrossing. You should ask for forgiveness and pray. I don’t know what you did or what transpired all I can say is you can find your strength through the prayer as I am going to do.

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