So the obsession has set in. Bipolar, why do you forsake me? I am obsessed with the Virginian. Totally, utterly, completely. Drowning. Every day is a constant battle. Sure I can go to the doctor and say give me something for this OCD I have created in my head, but what will that do? I am at a point of no return. Nothing is working. TV, chat, music, things that used to bring me joy no longer have meaning. I just want to talk to him, be with him. I have lost myself.
Fuck. Am I really this screwed up? I think to myself, can I do this? Can I make it through this? Love and pain come from the same place of your heart, but what about obsession? I know it comes from the heart as well. This gut wrenching, can’t-live-without-you pain. I told someone about it and he asked me if I will tell the Virginian all this. I won’t. I will not give him that power over me. I fall so hard so fast. I never do anything half way. I did it with the soldier. I fall way too hard. Even when things aren’t even real. But this is different. This is not some passing fling over a month or two. This has been dragging out for a while now and as we get closer I am more and more lost.
The phone rings. Will he pick up? My heart beats so fast. I love you. Dear God. Please. Please give me the strength to fight the obsession. I am totally utterly engrossed in this other human being and he has no idea. I am fighting every fiber of my being for control. Fuck you bipolar. Ugh. I need a drink.