Geez. I am rushing this, I know I am. He may meet me and say YUCK, what the fuck is this? But I plan on living in a fantasy world, for just a little longer. The conversations are great, I am totally falling for him. I am wondering, is it real? Or did I build it up in my head too much?
Fuck. Drink Time!
It’s almost 2pm on a Saturday and as I write this I wonder. Wonder so much. My heart is all a flutter and I haven’t met him yet. Fuck. You’re setting yourself up. Or am I? This online relationship thing where you don’t see the person is hard. Yeah he has seen me on cam, seen me drunk, fat and at my worst. I told him I might be falling in love with him. I told him everything, and he is still there. I told him things I never told my ex. My ex was too conservative, he would never understand. They all wouldn’t. But ah. The Virginian knows. Also he looks like Jesus. Long hair and a beard. Am I fucking crazy? What the hell am I doing with this guy. Too much going on in my head.
Sex. It would be good. An adaptive partner. Motions with my motions. Wonder what that would be like. Sex was only really good twice in my entire sexual life. Oh yeah there was also the dude that cried. Oh fuck what a pussy. But no he doesn’t count as he grabbed my crotch and told me “this pussy is mine”. Dude I don’t think so. Why do I end up with these guys? Drunken bipolar haze. Questionable decisions. So much different now. Oh yes. bipolar you’re still there, but I have control over you bitch.
Fuck. Does this make sense. How can I be in love with someone I never met. I dream of us. A future. A life. If I can get past this weight issue, I know I can build a career. It has held me back too long. Seven years. Drowning in booze, hospitals, pills, doctors, therapists. It started with that trip to the Emergency Room where they pumped my stomach because I tried to kill myself. Wait that was 10 years ago! A decade of nonsense. They say that everything is a learning experience. Then why didn’t I learn shit?
I love him. The Virginian. I see a future. I don’t know why, but I think this is it. Oh and he’s my age. Seriously men my age can’t see past their balls. But this one is different.
What is this? I’m in love. Pills. Bipolar. Fuck. Let me down this Honey Jack Daniels and pass out.