I suffer from bipolar. Fuck me. I often wonder what the strokes on the canvas look like. Are they haphazard crazy strokes, or are there some straight lines in there. I have lived my life on the straight and arrow these past five years (along with being celibate), with the occasional alcohol binge here and there. But what is to become of me?
It is 11:42am on a Friday morning. No job, no career, no future. I will be 35 this year. Fuck. Did it come that fast? What have I done with my life. It is easy to get depressed. Fuck so easy. Just lay here and wallow. Yeah I could do that. But I wonder, what does that accomplish? I have this notion that someone will love me. One day. It has happened to others. Its even happening for one of my closest friends, to the point to where I see her happily married within a year. Am I jealous? Yes and no. Yes because I want that, No because I am too fat for that right now. This skewed view of myself. How do confidant fat women do it? Do they not see themselves?
I drank yesterday before my therapy session. Wonder if he knew I was drunk. God is watching me you know. Shit. Conversations with a devout Christian earlier that day shook my core. He is afraid for my soul. Fuck, I am afraid for my soul. My therapist commented on how different my outlook is. I have the Virginian to thank for that. God, I dream of him constantly. Its an obsession really.
Many have come and gone but my D.will always be there. D. is my ex. He is my best friend. I see him on Sunday. Five years I have known him and some parts of me still love him. But the sex. God I need it. I have always been quite reserved and looked for love rather than sex, but I want to get fucked dammit. It has been too long. I teased the idea of getting back with the married man. Even sent him a naughty picture. He wants to fuck. Go for it. Oh bipolar, what will be your punishment for me if I do? I know you bitch, you will hunt me down deep in my soul and beat me mercilessly until I crawl underneath the covers forever laced with guilt.
What to do? Fuck. I will just have another drink.