I heard this phrase in a song and it brought meaning to me on two levels. One is that I live in the “Empire State” and I also feel that I have brought my higher power down to a mental level. The Bipolar has evened out somewhat, where I would consider myself stable, but I am on a rocky path nonetheless. My issues with my body have reached new lows since I stepped on the scale and I am a whopping 215 pounds. Jesus H. Christ. Fuck, did I really let this happen?
I often wonder if I lost all the weight will I be beautiful. And then I heard a song that made me think. “Will you still love me when I am no longer young and beautiful, will you still love me when I have nothing but my aching soul.” Love is deep rooted that goes beyond the skin or the body. My higher power reaches out to me and as I look up into the sky and fly with thoughts of beauty and being desired, then I am brought back down to reality into this fat body. Bipolar, you are kicking my ass. Why is it so hard to have a positive thought? Why is it so hard to find motivation? Where is my faith?
I lost my “way” with my spirituality over the last few months as I have been engaging in very sinful acts with men online. Letting my sexual desire run wild, although none of the men have actually made me cum. Just the act of engagement made me get excited, where I would need it more than once a day. Just the idea was of excitement and being free regardless of my fat body and being accepted was all I needed to get me going. These acts were very elaborate, far beyond texting and sharing pictures. More personal than even just phone sex. It was the full act without touching. How could I do this? Where was God? Was He watching me, judging me?
Then I grew closer to the Virginian. The Virginian is my new love interest. He was around these past few months, but we have been becoming closer to the point where one drunken night I told him I think I am falling in love with him. Fuck. Did I do that? Shit. Yes I did. The good news is he stuck around. Most would have fled. He even knows about the bipolar, all the hospitalizations and some parts of this blog. I don’t share this blog with anyone only for the fact of judgment on their part. Also the sexual acts with the men online are non-existent anymore.
Bipolar, don’t kick my ass this week. I am actually feeling calm. Time to lose this weight so in a couple of months I can run away with the man of my dreams. Where will it go? I don’t know. The unknown daunts me in my Empire State of Mind.