The Flame of Bipolar

flickering candleHave you ever watched a candle’s flame? Watch it flicker then remain still.  My life is empty.  My life is boring.  I have everything, yet nothing.  Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be in someone else’s shoes?  Not have your own personal hell but be on an island somewhere?

I am so bored, yet I don’t want to go out.  I go for a walk and among the trees and the crisp air of Fall, I feel nothing.  Yes I can go out there, but there is nothing out there for me,  I am fat, ugly and miserable.  My bipolar flame.  Sometimes I want it extinguished.  Nothing more.  No more troubles, no more fears.

This is a rollercoaster, like the the flicker of that candle.  It goes slow and then it goes fast. I am feeling all sorts of unnecessary emotions.  I have no money these past couple of days. Can’t even go out and have a drink. Fuck.  I didn’t budget properly this month.  Another sign of failure.

When I started writing this post I was stuck.  Now I feel like I have a spear in my chest. He’s working late.  Again.  The soldier I was totally gaga over ignores me.  I am fat, ugly, with a huge gut.  I am running around in circles in my head.  I am so depressed not even a drink will help.  Yeah I can go out, dip into my savings (which are totally depleted) and buy myself a bottle.  Then take my meds and go to sleep.  Mixing meds with alcohol the past couple of weeks hasn’t been good, although I have been feeling fine.

But today.  Today is the worst of the worst.  My Bipolar flame is getting lighter and lighter and there is nothing from stopping me from taking all my pills at once and just ending it all.  But what does that do?  Hurt my family and those who know me.  Ending my life is not an option although this rollercoaster and pain in my chest just needs to cease.

Another day for the flame to burn on.

Stay Tuned.

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3 Responses to The Flame of Bipolar

  1. Hey, just wanted to say hello, hang in there and am praying for both of us as I have also been struggling with drastic ups and downs. You are not alone in the struggle and the best hope I can offer (as I remind myself too), is that though people might not understand what we go through entirely, God does. He knows us better than we know ourselves. With that said, let’s reach out to Him. His unconditional love is what keeps me going in tough times. Thank you for sharing that post. It’s my first time back on here in a while and just thought I’d say hello 🙂 Take care of yourself. You’re a beautiful, honest, open and talented soul.

  2. jlblogging says:

    We have all been there at some point fighting our illness and own demons. Before you go to bed tonight please try something that I do EVERY NIGHT. After the tv is off, music is off, books are away… repeat 5 positive thoughts at least 2 times. It sounds stupid but it does a world of good. Then when you wake up. Tell your self 5 times that today is going to be a good day! I know again, sounds dumb and corny. You’d be surprised how those two little things can help give you that little push to get a good start to a day. Starting off well is half the battle, at least for me. Stay strong!

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