Faith, In One Self – The True Self

faithFaith.  Such a hard concept.  I have been writing drafts of posts the past two weeks but never was able to put my thoughts down properly.  I fell into a depression after I realized the soldier in my life was never coming back online.  How quick I am to say never.

Having and all or nothing attitude has been my downfall, because I don’t have faith.  Faith in my self. The true self.  We can say anything about God or what it means to have faith, but if we mask it with words and don’t really feel it in our hearts, who the heck are we suppose to be fooling or trying to convince?

The soldier came back.  And it was like it was before, he smiled and laughed and just couldn’t stop staring at me on cam.  I really never thought I would see him again.  And it wasn’t the same.  Something is missing.  Maybe it was the initial joy of it all, that somehow fell flat the second time I saw him.  But oh he was still handsome as ever!

So I am going to take a leap of Faith.  Through my depression comes light.  Somehow or some way, I know this man came into my life.  I have to slow down though.  I am speaking in terms of forever to a man I hardly know.  But here I am. jumping on my faith.  I am smart enough to know when to hold back.  The thing about it is, I have never felt beautiful and he makes me feel oh so beautiful.

But Faith.  What is it?  It was National Suicide Week last week and I thought about how I tried to commit suicide and failed.  I was saved.  I jumped in to see how far the rabbit hole goes, and it was a deep one.  I often wonder about this life and the next.  Will my True Self make it to the next life?  Or the next dimension?  Or will I just be a shadow of a person I once was.  Who is God anyway?  What does he mean to me.  The depression is sneaking in again, as I miss my soldier.  Our time is so short.  Just like our time on this Earth.

Have faith.  Just have faith.

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