Depression kicking my ass……

head-in-handsIts kicking my ass today.  I am stuck in a mode where I don’t know what this life is.  I am so lost.  I have everything.  Well not everything.  But as I am burning my Tibetan incense for some peace, I am playing so many things in my head.  Bipolar is the least of my problems.  I haven’t felt bipolar in years.  Or maybe that’s not true either because I get really manic at night where I am so hyped I can’t sleep.

Just a mess of confusion.  And as I lay here in bed with my laptop on a beautiful sunny afternoon, I am oblivious of the world around me.  Trapped in my own head.  Swirling thoughts.  Boredom.  Laziness.  Is this what life is?  Most people’s answer is “go out and take a walk, you will feel better.”  I am crippled.  I am paralyzed.  In my head that is.  I often wonder what a person in a wheelchair would give to be able to walk, and I think of what strength they have.

My problems seem so petty to those suffering much more than me.  But yet here I am trapped.  Paralyzed.  Crippled.  I am gutted.  I feel my insides on the outside.  I want to be seen.  I want someone to see me.  Hear me.  I am screaming at the top of my lungs with no answer.  Hopeless, helpless.

Help me.  God.  Help me.

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11 Responses to Depression kicking my ass……

  1. Your problems are not petty, however depression is a silent invisible illness.
    At times it will seem hopeless, but you can move forward taking tiny baby steps, unfortunatley it’s a long road.

    You have made a start by writing about it here, many can hear you, your not alone.

  2. Stefanie says:

    Force yourself out of the house, Lynn. You can’t keep letting yourself spiral. You just can’t. The more you give in to it, the worse it will get.

  3. zen city says:

    i feel your pain . . . sending light, love & a big hug to you.

  4. pepperrblue says:

    Big Hugs and lots of love. You are not alone. Think small steps – xxxx

  5. nomorewhatever says:

    Like you, I often get angry at myself for feeling bad about my “petty” problems. Except that our problems aren’t petty because they are hurting us. We have as much right to our lives and feelings as anyone else. Feelings of loneliness and depression are no more petty than any other problem. I’m not smart enough to offer any advice, but I certainly hope that tomorrow is a happier day for you.

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