Its kicking my ass today. I am stuck in a mode where I don’t know what this life is. I am so lost. I have everything. Well not everything. But as I am burning my Tibetan incense for some peace, I am playing so many things in my head. Bipolar is the least of my problems. I haven’t felt bipolar in years. Or maybe that’s not true either because I get really manic at night where I am so hyped I can’t sleep.
Just a mess of confusion. And as I lay here in bed with my laptop on a beautiful sunny afternoon, I am oblivious of the world around me. Trapped in my own head. Swirling thoughts. Boredom. Laziness. Is this what life is? Most people’s answer is “go out and take a walk, you will feel better.” I am crippled. I am paralyzed. In my head that is. I often wonder what a person in a wheelchair would give to be able to walk, and I think of what strength they have.
My problems seem so petty to those suffering much more than me. But yet here I am trapped. Paralyzed. Crippled. I am gutted. I feel my insides on the outside. I want to be seen. I want someone to see me. Hear me. I am screaming at the top of my lungs with no answer. Hopeless, helpless.
Help me. God. Help me.