So I have recently fallen out of despair. The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster. So many tears wept, and fighting with my inner light. My essence has been reaching out to me for me to take care of myself. My higher power was saying, “No this is not right.” After being rejected several times, I had hit a new low. Lowering myself to men. Giving into those that would just use me for sex. All was done online, but there are those that I actually considered meeting and just fucking. Hey at least they thought I was attractive. I even contacted the last man I had sex with 4 years ago. The married man. God someone slap me.
I was feeling amazingly guilty, that God was going to punish me. Or He was punishing me. But I was punishing me. Engaging in these activities took the power away from me. I control me. No one else does. I have taken life by the reigns and I am headed in. I am going to my first Star Trek Meet up Group tomorrow. No one will know me. I have been a member for 9 years but never went to one meeting cause I thought I was too fat and ugly to go. I have struggled so long with so many things, and now I am taking a leap to meet new people. I am also going to meet one of the guys that didn’t reject me there. We haven’t officially “met” but I think with both of us struggling with Depression, going out and meeting new people and discussing a common interest we both love and have will be a good experience. I am going into this with no expectations. Just gonna meet some good folks and talk Trek. No one would guess I am a Trekkie. But I am. I love it.
So no more despair. No more being punished by God. Just forgiving myself and moving forward. That’s all I can do. Loving myself more. That’s all I can do. Love life. Let your spirit guide you. Only YOU can control you. No one else can. For those that are struggling you are worth it. I have seen my share of darkness. Time for some light.