So I really put myself out there. One after the other I leaped headfirst into the dating pool. It took its toll today. Between last night and today has been utter despair. Just crying and crying nonstop. I have major self esteem issues, but when you are rejected it hurts even more. Having it happen three times in a row is heartwrenching for me. My last date was the worst. I really liked the guy, but I was too fat and ugly for him. Men don’t look at me in the streets. I take really good pictures but when they see me in person they are immediately disappointed.
I have fallen into despair. Last night I was suicidal, that’s how bad it got. I really think I am the fattest ugliest person on the planet, and I will never find love. What the fuck do these guys want? I always hear the bullshit story how nice guys finish last, but what about the nice girls? These bitches always get the men and the douchebags always get the girl. It shouldn’t be this hard but for me it is. I was told I have the warmest eyes and nicest smile that was ever seen. Yeah. OK. But that hot piece of ass is what you want to date but not me. I am so sick of it.
Fuck this planet.
Fuck this Earth.
Fuck these Humans.
I don’t belong here. I never did.
The fact of the matter of it is, I don’t love myself. People always say love yourself first. But how do you love yourself, when the world sees you as a fat and ugly thing? I might as well be Shrek running around out there, and he even found someone. This life is getting tired. The one man who ever truly loved me, cursed me. I broke his heart and he said no man will ever love me again. And for 16 years no man ever has.
I have never truly been in love.
I wish I could end it all, but I don’t have the guts for it.
However, I am going to take a break. Get off those dam dating sites because those people want god knows what. This may sound like such a negative post, but I really was doing great. This was a wonderful summer. I really had a good time. I had swallowed the fact that I would alone forever. I never thought a man would come into my life. But these guys gave me hope then utterly shattered it. I am done. For a long time. I have my best friend, my ex, who I think is my soulmate but doesn’t want to get back together. We never had sex, and I don’t think sex and relationships are for me. That hand hasn’t been dealt.
I am done.