Despair in the Face of the Third Rejection

Head in HandsSo I really put myself out there.  One after the other I leaped headfirst into the dating pool. It took its toll today.  Between last night and today has been utter despair.  Just crying and crying nonstop.  I have major self esteem issues, but when you are rejected it hurts even more.  Having it happen three times in a row is heartwrenching for me.  My last date was the worst. I really liked the guy, but I was too fat and ugly for him.  Men don’t look at me in the streets.  I take really good pictures but when they see me in person they are immediately disappointed.

I have fallen into despair.  Last night I was suicidal, that’s how bad it got.  I really think I am the fattest ugliest person on the planet, and I will never find love.  What the fuck do these guys want?  I always hear the bullshit story how nice guys finish last, but what about the nice girls?  These bitches always get the men and the douchebags always get the girl. It shouldn’t be this hard but for me it is.  I was told I have the warmest eyes and nicest smile that was ever seen.  Yeah.  OK.  But that hot piece of ass is what you want to date but not me.  I am so sick of it.

Fuck this planet.

Fuck this Earth.

Fuck these Humans.

I don’t belong here.  I never did.

The fact of the matter of it is, I don’t love myself.  People always say love yourself first. But how do you love yourself, when the world sees you as a fat and ugly thing?  I might as well be Shrek running around out there, and he even found someone.  This life is getting tired. The one man who ever truly loved me, cursed me.  I broke his heart and he said no man will ever love me again.  And for 16 years no man ever has.

I have never truly been in love.

I wish I could end it all, but I don’t have the guts for it.

However,  I am going to take a break.  Get off those dam dating sites because those people want god knows what.  This may sound like such a negative post, but I really was doing great.  This was a wonderful summer.  I really had a good time.  I had swallowed the fact that I would alone forever.  I never thought a man would come into my life.  But these guys gave me hope then utterly shattered it.  I am done.  For a long time.  I have my best friend, my ex, who I think is my soulmate but doesn’t want to get back together.  We never had sex, and I don’t think sex and relationships are for me.  That hand hasn’t been dealt.

I am done.

This entry was posted in Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Despair in the Face of the Third Rejection

  1. It’s been a while since I was single…ok a long while. But when I was I did try dating sights. And I did it because I had a son and I felt like without someone to spend my life with I was less complete. Having said that I found the person who has stuck with me at a young age and I can’t imagine being where I am now without him. But I also know this. Sometime in the years we have been together I had to go back and find myself. Not love myself, although I have issues with that as well, but find myself. I met some pretty great people on dating sites but if you go into it thinking and believing you are going to find Mr. Right there may be a whole lot of heartache. It is true, often, that as soon as you stop looking thats when that amazing person comes along. I hope you have some friends you can hang out and have fun with. Go out with them, talk, laugh, and have a good time and the man will come along when the time is right. God won’t leave you alone and He won’t leave you suffering alone. Turn to Him and keep your head up. He will lead you to the perfect man and you won’t remember what your life was without him. Be blessed!!

    • Thank you so much! I have been seeking Him and asking Him to save me. Things got pretty bad for a while there and I truly believed He found and saved me. That being said, I know I won’t find my Prince on a dating site. I don’t think it will ever happen for me that way. But I will be mindful of what you are telling me. I will go out and hang with my friends, things will be good like they once were 🙂

  2. I’m sorry you are feeling so down. I am not fat and not ugly, and I get rejected all the time- especially on dating sites. It’s not about you. I know it’s hard to understand that, but they don’t know you. How can they reject you if they don’t know who you are? I have learned that I can’t date if I’m not in a good place with myself. It’s too hard. Hang in there. I doubt that you are fat and ugly, but I know lots of what society would deem unattractive people who are coupled and very happy. I’ve been single awhile, and I may stay that way. So, if I reject somebody it’s not about them, it may just be that I don’t really want a relationship, or I am scared, or I am in a bad mood, or I just met another guy I like more. Hugs

    • Thank you so much. I have calmed down a bit and I feel better. Just knowing that there are others out there that know what I’m feeling mean the world to me. Thanks for you support and hugs!

  3. noyoupay says:

    Most of us women (even the drop dead beautiful ones) feel fat and ugly because of the media bullshit out there. All of my friends and family tell me I’m not fat or ugly, but it doesn’t matter. If you feel that way there’s not much anyone can do to change that. I know we should love ourselves first and I’m working on that too. SO much easier said than done! And I hate that I feel like it will take unconditional love from a man to make me feel that way. I feel your pain, and I just went on Depression/Anxiety meds for the first time because I’m so tired of feeling sick and anxious. A book that’s helping me a little is “The Law of Attraction”. You are what you believe you are. You receive what you believe you deserve.

    I’ve met so many guys BTW that have no problem with us ladies that are overweight and curvy. They just want to know up front. So make sure (if you still are online dating) that you show pics of your whole body so they know who’s showing up. Their main complaint (and I’ve been on at least 50-60 online dates) is that women take great head shots but hide their bodies. There are plenty out there that like a full-figured woman.

    Hang in there! I’m pulling for you!

    • Yes I have a body shot on my profile, but it still doesn’t make a difference. They are still disappointed when they see me. Its just one of those things. But thank you for your wonderful thought out words I really appreciate it. Taking a break from all the websites for a while. Too much angst and pain coming from there. Thanks again, you make a lot of sense.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s