Back in the Thick of Things

dateSo my spiritual path has led me to many different places.  July has been one of the best months in history for me and August is turning out pretty well too.  But its through the Grace of God that I have come this far.

Meeting new people is difficult when you’re a loner.  My relationship with my ex ended almost 2 years ago and yet I still hang on to hope.  He has made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t look at me “that way” and probably never will.  You can’t force someone to love you.  But would I really want to be with my ex anyway?  All I did was give give give in that relationship.  Did many sweet kind things with nothing in return.  It wasn’t his fault, he isn’t as much of a romantic as I am.

Enter in “funny guy”.  Funny guy makes me laugh and talks about a sentimental side that most guys don’t have.  He has had back luck with women and dating and for his 42 years on this planet he has never had a girlfriend.  Now like most people you would think, well what’s wrong with him?  Nothing.  I don’t see a single flaw so far.  I am sure there will be more that I will find out along the way.  Maybe he is just too darn picky.  Maybe he’s looking for sparks and magic right away.  Also he doesn’t want kids or doesn’t want to be with a person who has them.  THAT is a hurtle in itself.

But funny guy makes me think.  I am meeting him in a couple of hours.  I am nervous.  The only thing that’s stopping me from falling head over heels in love with this man is that I still have feelings for my ex and I feel this conflict within me.  I hurried myself off the phone with my ex (calling each other every night and watching tv together has become our thing over the years), and I know that he can sense I am slipping away.  I have dated since the breakup but nothing ever materialized.  My ex hasn’t dated at all, and honestly I would be hurt if he did.  I know that’s selfish, but he did the dumping, and I did most of the hurting. So I hurried myself off the phone and called funny guy.  We talked for another three hours, when the night before we held on for a record 8 hours.  Its been so long since I talked to a guy like that.  That may mean nothing though, one never knows till you meet.

I am extra nervous.  I didn’t go to group therapy today because I wanted to take my time and get really dressed.  The weather is holding out pretty nicely at a cool 75 degrees.  This summer has been amazing.  But how do I really feel about funny guy since my ex has been lingering in my heart for so long.  Now I know I should have just ended things 2 years ago when we broke up, but he is my best friend, my confidant.   Losing our friendship would have been so devastating for me.  But now I am having mixed feelings on this whole thing. I will just go into it with no expectations and then just take a break for a while if it doesn’t work out.

Online dating is nuts.  Man oh man how did I get involved with this again?

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4 Responses to Back in the Thick of Things

  1. learningtobebipolar says:

    Sometimes we don’t end those relationships when we should because it’s so easy to fall into the same patterns. You don’t have to give yourself to someone new who might hurt you because you have left your heart with the person that has already hurt you. So even when they hurt you now it’s not quite as much pain. Anyway, letting go is hard. Really hard but sometimes we can’t accept or embrace the good things until the bad things from the past are gone. Even if that past doesn’t always seem like bad things.

  2. Stefanie says:

    You got involved in it again because you’re not letting fear rule your life anymore. 🙂

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