My Relationships, with the Holy and the Mortals

Holding-HandsThings have been going really well for me lately.  I don’t even know who to thank for it. So I will begin with myself.  The strength I put forward despite the Bipolar.  It has crippled me for years, weakened me, destroyed my sense of self and my self acceptance.  But out of the ashes the Phoenix rises.   This may be the best summer I have had in a long time.  Yes I am still fat and miserable and disgusted with my appearance, but that no longer stops me.  I have been ashamed for too long.

Bipolar has kicked my ass.  Especially the depressive part.  I didn’t go to my grandmother’s funeral or anything because I was ashamed at how fat I had become, and I was afraid people would stare at me at how horrible I was.  I still felt some of that as I braved through my family reunion this past Sunday.  It felt good to be out among my family and they were truly happy that I was there.  My cousin looked upset with me though because I did turn my back on all of them for my own selfish reasons.  But that’s the past.  I look to the future now.

Recently things have been happening.  My life was stagnant.  Just stuck in a rut of my own making.  But since joining a Group Program and meeting some wonderful people online, even a potential date (new and blossoming fresh from OKCupid), I have just felt an overall feeling of joy.  I did get rejected a couple of times these past few weeks, but that’s ok too. God is with me.  I haven’t prayed or thanked Him yet, but I know He knows.  Going out and living my life is what He wants for me.  Not to be stuck in a church begging and crying for forgiveness.  We are here to live and love and appreciate life and nature.

No more days hiding in my room.  I made friends to do things with.  I have made a best friend online.  This new guy from OKCupid just happened to fall into my lap right after the one from last week rejected me.  I will be more careful this time.  Relationships take work. The ones with mortals and the Holy.  There are angels watching over me.  God is looking after me.  I am not religious in any way, but I believe there is a force greater than us all guiding us and pushing us toward our destinies.

Life as a bipolar survivor has been a long and tough road.  I am still on meds and disability but that will change soon.  My moods are more stable and I have a much better handle on things than I used to.  I look back and I read some of my previous posts, at some of the dark places I have been in with the alcohol and the monumental sinning.  But if good things can happen to a person like me, good can happen for all of you.  I am a good person with a good heart that smiles a lot more.  A smile can go a long way, and I have a beautiful one because I share in the beautiful smile that shines down on me every day from Heaven.

Namaste, or Amen.

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