waiting onlineLately, I have been obsessed with a friend of mine.  No its not what you think, its not a guy or anything, but a girl I really connected with.  I crave her attention, I want, I need it.  I’m not a lesbian or anything, but I just really like the talks we have.  She has a very soothing voice, and when we create a private chatroom on Paltalk, I swear I can listen to her talk on the mic for hours.  Its so weird.

I don’t believe in mysticism but this woman has something over me.  And she was telling me about it the other day and I didn’t believe it.  People latch on to her.  Especially men. Men become compulsively obsessed with her.  And beauty has nothing to do with it.  She is a 50 year old woman with 4 daughters and is far from a model.  But she has life experience, knows many languages, have studied many things, and I have learned a lot from her.  I crave learning and communication and I learn so much from this woman.  I love hearing about her life and what is happening to her.  I need to back off.  I feel this power over me, like a spell, I can’t describe it.  I have decided to take a break from Paltalk and create some distance.

Tonight she told me she was very depressed about all that’s going on in her life.  Her daughter got pregnant by a jerk and neither of them were prepared for a baby, so now they are dumping the child on her.  This woman just wants to live the rest of her life now that her daughters are grown.  She is feeling guilty and upset and she is in so much pain because she thinks she is selfish because she didn’t want to take this on.  I can’t say that I blame her, she is being pulled in all these different directions.

Now don’t ask me why she comes online but she does during all of this.  She sends me a message saying she is very depressed and doesn’t want it on my shoulders.  But being a friend I want to help and she won’t let me.  She stopped answering my messages earlier.  It is very frustrating.  I know she needs someone right now but she is shutting me out and I can’t help that.

Its time to take a break from Paltalk.  This is just an online friend, someone I have never met.  I have spent many nights online with her and friends and have seen the obsession people have with her.  Its amazing to watch.  People may not understand it, but I feel it too.  She may be some kind of witch or special person.  My direction toward God has sent me on a path into things I don’t understand.

I will wait till she contacts me.  Until then I am cutting off all contact and staying offline.

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