34th Birthday and It’s Time to Make a Change

34th birthdaySo tomorrow it will be two weeks since my 34th birthday.  I had a couple of blog posts prepared but you know how it goes, the words suddenly don’t come.  But sometimes you wake up and realize its just time to make a change.  I have been on Disability for 7 years now.  Its amazing how much time has passed.  But it wasn’t all just lazing around.  I successfully went to college and earned a Business Administration degree.  I also tried to work part-time but that eventually fell through because I was just incapable of handling a job like the one I took.  I always wanted to do Human Resources and this gave me an opportunity to do it, but once my boss realized I had a background in Accounting and Payroll he dumped a bunch of monotonous tasks upon me that sucked the life right out of me.  My sleeping was horrible too.  I have horrible insomnia and I need to be heavily medicated to have a good night’s rest.  Its the worst feeling ever, having to get up and go to work to a job I hated.  Even though it was part time, it was a miserable experience.

So this leaves me with the question, am I capable of working?  I am scared because I don’t know that I am.  It has to be something I love doing, and I am afraid I don’t have the skills to do what I really want to do which is something in TV and Broadcasting.  Why don’t I just go back to school?  Because I’m L-A-Z-Y!!!!!!!  I am so fucking lazy its not even funny.  I want to sleep till 5pm and stay up all night online chatting.  But even that is getting boring. Basically I am just bored with life.  Just bored with everything and wondering to myself is this what life is?  I am fully functional and I have beaten most of the bipolar, and my drinking is almost non-existent.  I mean I am desperate to find the love of my life still, trying all these online avenues, but that hasn’t happened so I am thinking its time to focus on me.

Tomorrow I am going to my counseling center and seeing my therapist.  Before my appointment I am going upstairs to the Third Floor.  Yikes.  I see people coming from the Third Floor that are not all together.  They seemed pretty messed up.  I see them leaving as I am coming for my 3 o’clock appointment.  Are these the people I am considering doing groups with?  I am scared.  I called the head of the program today and she asked me this: “you’re 34 and what are you going to do with the rest of your life?  Just sit home?”  I didn’t have an answer for her.  She is right.  This Day Program would be the best thing for me right now. To find direction.  To find purpose.

Life is so fucking boring I want to just scream.  I get up turn on the internet, go to a chat program and sit there for a few hours. watch tv, then stay up on the chat program all night. I want to be social, I love talking to people.  But talking to real life people who have serious problems as peers is a scary thought.  I remember the Day Program I was in when I left the hospital.  It was awful.  Those people were really fucked up.  I don’t want to be around fucked up people.  Life is fucked up as it is.

But maybe, just maybe, I will find some purpose.

Stay tuned.

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7 Responses to 34th Birthday and It’s Time to Make a Change

  1. jmsabbagh says:

    Happy birthday,may all your wishes come true.

  2. Stefanie says:

    You are going to be ok. 🙂 I’m glad you’re taking this step.

  3. First of all, Happy belated Birthday! I want to thank you for sharing this post. It takes courage to disclose such things, especially when there is such stigma attached to the mention of therapy/medication/treatment. However, I want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself fist and foremost. I have learned (and still am learning) that we are to love our selves, be gentle with our selves and even pamper our selves because no one else can do that for us. Also, it is powerful how you write about making a change. The first thing to change is awareness of what you want to change in order to act on that, so you’re on the right path my friend! Thanks again for sharing and I’ll be praying for you.

    • Thank you so much for your wonderful comment. Your kind words really resonate with me. I am learning to be kinder to myself and to love myself more and more every day. This first step is a hard one because I thought to myself I will never be going backwards and going back into a program, but I need it right now in my life. Thank you so much for your prayers, I will be sharing more on my journey in more days to come. Peace and love and many thanks again!


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