Driving People Away

talk-to-the-hand-230x142So I did it again.  I pushed away another potential friend and companion.  He told a friend to tell me tonight that he wants nothing to do with me and it would be best if I moved on with my life.  With absolutely NO EXPLANATION.  Ouch.  We were chatting on Skype a couple of nights ago, when he suddenly signed off.  I thought it was his internet connection again, but it wasn’t.  I crossed a line.  I don’t know if it is the bipolar in me still or what, that causes people to freak out and leave me, but I am sick of it.

I am tired.  So tired of getting myself emotionally involved with people.  I have friendships and I shouldn’t care about some internet dude, but I do.  About five months ago, this happened to me as well.  Except I didn’t cam chat with him like I did with this guy so it wasn’t as personal.  This was personal.  I saw this person every night on the cam, and I shared my innermost thoughts and feelings.  I was honest and forthcoming.  But it was too much.  I tend to overdo things.  Invest a little too much, share a little too much.

Now I am left with an empty feeling.  It is not really anger.  Just hurt.  He said he hardly knew me.  That’s a hint that I came on too strong.  I wanted him to get the app “Viber” on his phone so we could keep in contact.  I kept bringing it up and pushing the issue because his internet was always going out.  I told him that I basically sign on to the program to look for him because I kind of found what I was looking for.  Too much.  Fuck.  I know.  I thought at first that he had somehow found my blog or had googled me and found something that he didn’t like.  But “I hardly know you” keeps ringing in my head.  I pushed him away.

Just sitting here now.  Lost and even more alone than I was.  I called my best friend.  She said “fuck him”.  That’s what I gotta say to myself.  Fuck him.  He doesn’t want anything to do with me.  I did absolutely nothing to this person and he wants nothing to do with me. Wow.  I can’t seem to wrap my head around it.  No one has ever done this to me before.  I am hurt.  I am lost.  And I’m so alone.

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17 Responses to Driving People Away

  1. madisonlang says:

    I don’t know what viber is, but if you have been having meaningful conversations with him, and he suddenly says “oh fuck no I gotta go” then maybe it isn’t you. Why do we always do this to ourselves? I mean really, it’s not always our fault that things don’t work out. It could have been your fault sure, but it’s partly his. Your friend is correct Fuck him. It’s his loss.

  2. Stefanie says:

    You just need to step outside of your own feelings periodically and look at the situation objectively. Get out of your own head and read the signs that he’s giving you. Guys are “usually” pretty clear on where they stand. We just get so wrapped up in our own thoughts and emotions that we don’t notice. You let yourself get emotionally involved too quickly and didn’t see that he wasn’t in the same place. In any case, you are NOT alone.

    • Thanks Steph! Yeah I got wrapped up in it, and I didn’t realize that he wasn’t feeling for me in the same way. The funny thing is I just enjoyed talking to him, it really didn’t develop into anything romantic. I just felt very comfortable. So comfortable I started revealing stuff about myself. Red flag right there.

      • Stefanie says:

        Yeah…you need to be careful about that. People’s comfort levels vary over time. Some people don’t get comfortable that fast and unloading can be very overwhelming if they’re not ready for it.

      • Yes I know. He probably thought I was more into it than I was. The odd part is he took all the power away from me. He treated me so badly as if I did something awful to him which leaves me feeling hurt and rejected and most of all confused. If we had a disagreement and I did something I would understand, but I did absolutely nothing, or being just me was a bad thing. Oh well, I guess I will never know

      • Stefanie says:

        They not to worry about it. He was just some random guy. He wasn’t anything.

  3. Fuck him indeed, he definitely isn’t for you if he didn’t see how great you actually are

  4. Dawn says:

    So what if you did or didn’t do anything to this guy…he’s not worth it. And just because he isn’t interested does’t mean someone won’t be. Who’s to say that you won’t come across that guy who thinks your perfect just the way you are. You were being you, not forcing something fake. He didn’t get it, so you don’t need to beat yourself up.
    Yes…I need to listen to my own advice. Yes I understand it’s personal…or at least it feels personal Why would you give into to frustration over someone who isn’t willing to put in the time with you.
    Thank him for walking away…you deserve better.

    • Thanks so much! I guess the worst part for me was having no answers. I literally did nothing wrong. It was odd and it was scary because what if I drive people away just by being myself? It makes me take a hard look at myself and what I share and how much I invest in a friendship. But you are right, its his malfunction, I was just being genuine. Its so odd though. Oh well, I guess I will never know and it doesn’t really matter anymore.

  5. KaleverA says:

    Wow, lucky girl. Looks like you have lots of people who ARE interested in you and your life 🙂

  6. Please don’t feel alone I completely relate. It happens to me ALL.THE.TIME. I constantly overwhelm those new to me. There’s the intense excitement, energy, so many questions to ask, so much to get to know. After a few conversation by EMAIL, not even face to face, I am convinced we are soul mates and meant to be despite living on different continents/speaking different languages etc. I have decided it’s not me personally. Its just a bi-product of bipolar. And I know how much it hurts. Unfortunately I don’t have any solutions for it yet. But take heart in that you aren’t alone

    • Thank you! I have had some time to reflect and even though he was just some random guy it still hurts. I have never been rejected like that by anyone before for no reason. Hell if it’s the bipolar then that’s just another reason to hold against me. Sigh. What can we do? I don’t have an answer yet either but I am grateful that I’m not alone

      • Please know this, I can say with absolute certainty, I have been there. Actually I was just there last week! Weeping and bereft in my friend’s office. Over some dude in another country who I’ve been emailing with for 1 month!! Your guy is not just ‘random’. While communicating he was important. Let yourself grieve the loss. We feel so intensely, we must give ourselves time to grieve and heal. And as for the ‘oh here’s another thing to hold against me’ bipolar part – I feel the same way, haha!
        Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

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