So I did it again. I pushed away another potential friend and companion. He told a friend to tell me tonight that he wants nothing to do with me and it would be best if I moved on with my life. With absolutely NO EXPLANATION. Ouch. We were chatting on Skype a couple of nights ago, when he suddenly signed off. I thought it was his internet connection again, but it wasn’t. I crossed a line. I don’t know if it is the bipolar in me still or what, that causes people to freak out and leave me, but I am sick of it.
I am tired. So tired of getting myself emotionally involved with people. I have friendships and I shouldn’t care about some internet dude, but I do. About five months ago, this happened to me as well. Except I didn’t cam chat with him like I did with this guy so it wasn’t as personal. This was personal. I saw this person every night on the cam, and I shared my innermost thoughts and feelings. I was honest and forthcoming. But it was too much. I tend to overdo things. Invest a little too much, share a little too much.
Now I am left with an empty feeling. It is not really anger. Just hurt. He said he hardly knew me. That’s a hint that I came on too strong. I wanted him to get the app “Viber” on his phone so we could keep in contact. I kept bringing it up and pushing the issue because his internet was always going out. I told him that I basically sign on to the program to look for him because I kind of found what I was looking for. Too much. Fuck. I know. I thought at first that he had somehow found my blog or had googled me and found something that he didn’t like. But “I hardly know you” keeps ringing in my head. I pushed him away.
Just sitting here now. Lost and even more alone than I was. I called my best friend. She said “fuck him”. That’s what I gotta say to myself. Fuck him. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. I did absolutely nothing to this person and he wants nothing to do with me. Wow. I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. No one has ever done this to me before. I am hurt. I am lost. And I’m so alone.