So last night, I had a conversation with a MAN. Not some internet dude that tries to pass himself off as a man, when he really just wants take his dick out and jerk off in front of you, but a REAL MAN.
Now I don’t normally go for the much older types, because lets face it, they are going to die and leave you before you actually hit your “peak”, sexually and emotionally. Also there in lies the “ick” factor. He is 49. Way too old. Eek. And he is a grandpa. Double Eek, yuck, yikes and holy fuck he’s old, thrown in. He even looked old, in some of the glances I got of him on Skype. Yes, Skype. I graduated. I actually skyped with someone. I NEVER do that. But I figured what the hell, the chatting program we were chatting on was closing down for maintenance so why not? He seemed funny, engaging, charming, and in his profile picture he looked so manly. Omg, so manly. He happens to be a construction worker too, so wow, the arms on him were just WOW.
But ick, he’s a grandpa.
But enough about his age. Here is where the real problem is. I don’t know how to feel. This could have been like a first date. It was a chat date, and I could see him and he could see me, so lets just call it a date. Anyway, we are on this “date” its flirty fun, but he is getting aroused. I can tell, I can see him sweating, and trying to play it off. I start to feel uncomfortable. OH NO!
My chat date in which I am having a good time, is about to turn into a masturbating session. Oh God, Help Me.
Thank god, it didn’t get to that. But it easily could have gotten there and I wasn’t about to be disrespected. But how do I feel about this? I have never talked to a “grown-up” man before, a real MAN, how was I supposed to be a grown-up too? I’m so used to dealing with chronic masturbaters, and guys who just want me to cam so I can make them “cum”.
Or the guys who I want to have deep conversations with, who I go out of my way to send a detailed message to, comes back with a response to how are you by saying “I’m great, your cute”. Yes your not you’re. I mean what the fuck. UGH. What the fuck seriously. You can’t come up with anything fun or flirty to say, just 4 words. God men my age need a fucking clue. I want to pull my hair out!!! That message just pissed me off as I am writing this. Messed up up my flow, yo! Ha ha! I gotta laugh, or I would just cry.
Anyway, you know what the best part is? He made me feel beautiful. For a couple of hours, all that I hated about myself was thrown away. He wanted me to pull my hair back to see my face better. WOW. He just stared at me and admired me. WOW. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable when I knew he was aroused, but still, it felt good to be wanted.
He never took his dick out of course. I don’t think he would have either. He kept apologizing to me, for seeming like a perv, but it was ok. For that moment in time, I was actually speaking with an adult, and it was great. It is what it is. I am probably reading too much into everything, which I always do. But why am I so confused? Its my ex. He is still my best friend. And oh, how I still love him.
I love conversation and the exchange of ideas. I could completely love someone without the physical. Weird right? And yet this animal sexual side comes out where I completely cover my face and become a complete whore. I am a split sexual personality. I wonder if they would name that disorder after me. I was attracted to this Skype guy, yet I couldn’t get aroused like he did. Not that I had to or anything. I am just weird I guess.
I will continue to talk to Skype guy, and my ex, and see what the hell happens.
You have to grow up sometime, and I think this will be my lesson. But how do I do it?