What its Like to Be Bipolar

head-in-handsSo, I often wonder what people might think of me if they new the truth.  What I am beyond the smiles and pretenses.  No one knows about me.  Except my close family and those who read my blog.  Oh yes of course, my therapist.  Who makes total sense, but its so hard to listen to what I “should be doing”.   He has this theory about the brain.  “The brain likes routine. Whenever you want to affect change in your life, the brain will come up with a million excuses of why you shouldn’t do it”.  Maybe that’s why its so hard to get up off my fat ass and walk.

However, the biggest question is how do I tell a potential mate what I have?  The answer is simple. They will run for the hills and never look back.  I am well aware of the stigma bipolar people get.  You’re automatically crazy.  Someone shoots up a school, they are assumed to be bipolar.  Someone attacks their ex-boyfriend, they were assumed to be bipolar.  Someone calls and texts you a lot and are obsessive, “that chick is bipolar”.   I have heard and seen it all and it sickens me to my core.

I am unbalanced.  I know it and I feel it.  Do I drag other people down with my emotions or involve other people in my personal drama?  No.  A big N O.  Just because I am bipolar doesn’t mean I am a danger to society.

I used to watch the people in the “Day Program”.  Those people scared me.  They were so unbalanced you can see it, and hear it.  I am very much coherent.  I am aware of all that goes on around me.  And I am sad.  Sad about what I’ve become.  Sad that I have been labeled this “thing”.  This horrible thing that people use to describe someone that is very undesirable.  I don’t want to be labeled bipolar.  But I am.  God help me I am.

Which brings me to online dating.  How many people you think you are talking to are bipolar?  4.4% of people in America have bipolar.  That may be a low number but considering how many people there are in America, that’s about one in five people.  So you could be going out with a person that has it.  Does it scare you?  I often wonder about these guys I am talking to and going on dates with.  How much do you think it would scare them to admit that I have bipolar?  You know the answer.   I know the answer.  No need to sugar coat it.  Don’t take into consideration that I haven’t had an incident in 7 years and I am high functioning.  Just judge me for my outbursts of anger that I have had due to a guy disappearing for several days and me saying “fuck it” I’m done.  Really those disappearing acts fellas are really annoying.  Get your shit together.  And because I am upset about it, doesn’t mean its because I’m bipolar.  Get over yourself.

Anyway, my drinking brings out the bipolar even more.  I shouldn’t be drinking because I am meds. but it helps.  It helps to numb the pain.  So here’s to everyone struggling.  Hold up your glass and say “Cheers!  Fuck the World!”.  I want to not be afraid of what I am.  I am a social pariah.  People whisper when they know you have it.  “Look there goes the bipolar girl”.  Well fuck them, and everyone else.

I am tired. Just so tired.  Someone pass me a drink while I go ahead and wallow in my bipolarness.   Maybe its not that bad.  I guess I should just go on with my life and leave it to be my dark secret.

To all those that are ashamed I understand.  To all those that are afraid, I understand. And to all those that are hiding. I totally understand.

We are one.

We are crazy.

We are bipolar.

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11 Responses to What its Like to Be Bipolar

  1. jennchristie says:

    I understand. I’m fighting the stigma too. I have no idea what I’m going to do… It’s going to come out eventually, and I’m totally freaked out.

    • I was totally freaked out for years too. Now I’m just lying to cover it up. Lying is never a good thing, but when it comes to telling people about bipolar, I’d rather lie then to be labeled “crazy”.

      • jennchristie says:

        I have been lying since 2006!!!!! This year, my husband and circumstances plus a new friend are compelling me to out myself. It’s so scary. In the beginning, the lies were so bad… But I became a master liar/cover up. I think now… Maybe I just crave deeper relationships. But it’s going to kill me at work.

      • Work is the worst place to it. While they can’t fire you BECAUSE you are bipolar, they can find other reasons to. I would suggest against doing that.

      • jennchristie says:

        Unfortunately where I work, a health authority, my union protects me and my employer has a duty to accomodate whatever schedule I’ll need when I go back. Plus, I’m a psych nurse. So I mean I have my own livens to practice. My coworkers could have an awesome supportive reaction, or a horrible stigmatized one. If it’s the latter, I will work somewhere else I guess. But truly I should be looked after and protected. Coworkers can get in trouble these days for bullying and harassment

  2. Stefanie says:

    Being bipolar is only part of who you are. Difficult though it may be, you need to find a way to focus on the other parts of your identity. The bipolar disorder is ONe things. You have so much more to you. My phone is always on. Message me anytime. 🙂

  3. I so understand the stigma and the shame. I made the decision to ‘come out’. I was tired of hiding and lying and apologizing. My decision has alienated some people. But I have also forged a handful of quality friendships. On a good day I can view bipolar as one facet of my health; my health being one part of the entire me. Some days it works. Some days it doesn’t. But I figure as long as I keep moving, I’ll be ok. And you will be ok too. There is a place for us in this world, I like to believe that. I like to hope

    • Oh what a beautiful statement! I am glad you were able to “come out” and find acceptance. It’s not my time to do that though. One day it will come. I hope there is a place in this world for us, I really do. 🙂

  4. Don’t let it define you. You are beautiful and amazing.

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