So, I often wonder what people might think of me if they new the truth. What I am beyond the smiles and pretenses. No one knows about me. Except my close family and those who read my blog. Oh yes of course, my therapist. Who makes total sense, but its so hard to listen to what I “should be doing”. He has this theory about the brain. “The brain likes routine. Whenever you want to affect change in your life, the brain will come up with a million excuses of why you shouldn’t do it”. Maybe that’s why its so hard to get up off my fat ass and walk.
However, the biggest question is how do I tell a potential mate what I have? The answer is simple. They will run for the hills and never look back. I am well aware of the stigma bipolar people get. You’re automatically crazy. Someone shoots up a school, they are assumed to be bipolar. Someone attacks their ex-boyfriend, they were assumed to be bipolar. Someone calls and texts you a lot and are obsessive, “that chick is bipolar”. I have heard and seen it all and it sickens me to my core.
I am unbalanced. I know it and I feel it. Do I drag other people down with my emotions or involve other people in my personal drama? No. A big N O. Just because I am bipolar doesn’t mean I am a danger to society.
I used to watch the people in the “Day Program”. Those people scared me. They were so unbalanced you can see it, and hear it. I am very much coherent. I am aware of all that goes on around me. And I am sad. Sad about what I’ve become. Sad that I have been labeled this “thing”. This horrible thing that people use to describe someone that is very undesirable. I don’t want to be labeled bipolar. But I am. God help me I am.
Which brings me to online dating. How many people you think you are talking to are bipolar? 4.4% of people in America have bipolar. That may be a low number but considering how many people there are in America, that’s about one in five people. So you could be going out with a person that has it. Does it scare you? I often wonder about these guys I am talking to and going on dates with. How much do you think it would scare them to admit that I have bipolar? You know the answer. I know the answer. No need to sugar coat it. Don’t take into consideration that I haven’t had an incident in 7 years and I am high functioning. Just judge me for my outbursts of anger that I have had due to a guy disappearing for several days and me saying “fuck it” I’m done. Really those disappearing acts fellas are really annoying. Get your shit together. And because I am upset about it, doesn’t mean its because I’m bipolar. Get over yourself.
Anyway, my drinking brings out the bipolar even more. I shouldn’t be drinking because I am meds. but it helps. It helps to numb the pain. So here’s to everyone struggling. Hold up your glass and say “Cheers! Fuck the World!”. I want to not be afraid of what I am. I am a social pariah. People whisper when they know you have it. “Look there goes the bipolar girl”. Well fuck them, and everyone else.
I am tired. Just so tired. Someone pass me a drink while I go ahead and wallow in my bipolarness. Maybe its not that bad. I guess I should just go on with my life and leave it to be my dark secret.
To all those that are ashamed I understand. To all those that are afraid, I understand. And to all those that are hiding. I totally understand.
We are one.
We are crazy.
We are bipolar.