So things happen in your life where you are reminded of a love that has long passed. I was deeply in love with a man for over three years, where there was no sex, no intimacy, just infatuation. Now people could disagree and say there was no love there but I know in my heart there was a lot of love there. Love in indifferent, love is just love.
What I felt was definite true love. I miss you my darling. At the end of every failed love attempt I always look back on what we had. We could have made it work if I didn’t push so hard. I pushed you away by pressuring you to be something you were not. My love. My darling. I am all out of tears these days. I tried to move on, but failed miserably. Sometimes I wonder what my future will be like. Will I die alone, an old maid, or will I have someone to complete me. I always thought it would be you. We work so well together. Am I that hideous and unattractive that you didn’t want me? I wish I could change the way I look and be who you want me to be.
I am so lost. Drowning in bipolar. Drowning in self-hatred. Why was I born so fucking ugly? Why am I so fat and disgusting? Why am I balding at 33 years old when the hair is growing every where else. I am like a fucking man that’s how gross I am. I hate myself. I hate my life. Kill me. Fuck. Kill me now.
I loved you. Wholeheartedly, completely with all I had. I wasn’t good enough for you. We had a lot of good times together, but I always felt not good enough. Maybe I never was. But I think of you. I think of you all the time. I miss you. I miss the way you smell. I miss what we had. I wish you would love me. Too much pain over the years.
Bipolar you are killing me. You drive away any person that ever meant anything to me. I want to be normal. I want to be free of this. Heartbreak. Torture. Kill me. Kill me now.