Memories of a Past Love

115 Love & Romance WallpapersSo things happen in your life where you are reminded of a love that has long passed.  I was deeply in love with a man for over three years, where there was no sex, no intimacy, just infatuation.  Now people could disagree and say there was no love there but I know in my heart there was a lot of love there. Love in indifferent, love is just love.

What I felt was definite true love.  I miss you my darling.  At the end of every failed love attempt I always look back on what we had.  We could have made it work if I didn’t push so hard.  I pushed you away by pressuring you to be something you were not.  My love.  My darling.  I am all out of tears these days.  I tried to move on, but failed miserably. Sometimes I wonder what my future will be like.  Will I die alone, an old maid, or will I have someone to complete me.  I always thought it would be you.  We work so well together.  Am I that hideous and unattractive that you didn’t want me?  I wish I could change the way I look and be who you want me to be.

I am so lost.  Drowning in bipolar.  Drowning in self-hatred.  Why was I born so fucking ugly?  Why am I so fat and disgusting?  Why am I balding at 33 years old when the hair is growing every where else.  I am like a fucking man that’s how gross I am.  I hate myself.  I hate my life.  Kill me. Fuck.  Kill me now.

I loved you.  Wholeheartedly, completely with all I had.  I wasn’t good enough for you.  We had a lot of good times together, but I always felt not good enough.  Maybe I never was. But I think of you.  I think of you all the time.  I miss you.  I miss the way you smell.  I miss what we had.  I wish you would love me.  Too much pain over the years.

Bipolar you are killing me.  You drive away any person that ever meant anything to me.  I want to be normal.  I want to be free of this.  Heartbreak.  Torture.  Kill me.  Kill me now.


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7 Responses to Memories of a Past Love

  1. davidtalks13 says:

    I’m really sorry to hear that things didn’t work out. But here is the thing. If things didn’t work out, that isn’t your fault or a problem. You said you shouldn’t have pushed too hard. But it was what you wanted. You can’t be guilty of having wanted something. You just weren’t in ten same place and that is okay. You can’t punish yourself for that. I doubt you are ugly. No one is. There is no absolute when it comes to beauty. It differs with everyone. I promise things will get better and that with time, you will meet someone who does want the same things. Again, I’m really sorry.

  2. Wil says:

    an honest write here. it is a horrid disease that I can hate as much as you do. some days are better than others. I understand.

  3. Hello, L.. What a beautifully written heart broken love letter..
    I’ve read a couple of times and each time when I read, I feel my own heart aching with a pain and sorrow..
    Hope a new light would shed its brightness in you..
    Then life can be such a pitch-black pit..
    I know and I feel it..

    • Hello J,

      Thanks for your kind words. I was falling down a pit when I wrote that, the same pitch-black pit you speak of. I am sorry you felt sorrow when you read it, but I am glad you can relate. I am slowing crawling out the pit and coming back to the light. Thanks again for reaching out to me, I truly appreciate it

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