Do you ever feel like you just exist and are not living? That everything you do is just mundane and trivial and that life is just passing you by? Like you’re a domino just waiting to fall over?
How do you overcome this? I have been battling this feeling for years. I have a man in my life that I love but will never love me. I am a shadow of the person I once was. We talk every night like things haven’t changed, but in my heart I know it has. He says he doesn’t want another girlfriend, but he likes spending time with me. Why doesn’t he want to be with me? Am I so gross and hideous that even with my awesome personality I can’t win over a man?
Its true you know, men need sex. The fact is we never had sex. It was a sexless relationship. I was cheating on him with men from the online world, but never physically slept with anyone, but its still cheating. I was drowning in alcohol every day because I wasn’t getting the love and attention I needed from him. Is this the relationship I am missing so much? What the hell is wrong with me?
Being bipolar is a funny dam thing. Maybe it has nothing to do with being bipolar. Maybe I’m just fucked up. My other ex-boyfriend from years ago, told me the same thing you know. He said I was some kind of masochist for sticking around so long. He said he would never love me, but wanted to remain friends. And like a fool I held on for 7 years. I’m headed down that road again you know. This time I am 32 not 24. I don’t have years to be wasting anymore!
Time is precious. What am I doing? Just wasting away. Tick tock. I will be old and gray and say I have nothing to be proud of in this life. Fuck. What am I doing? God help me.