Just existing….Not Living….Wasting Years

existing

Do you ever feel like you just exist and are not living?  That everything you do is just mundane and trivial and that life is just passing you by?  Like you’re a domino just waiting to fall over?

How do you overcome this?  I have been battling this feeling for years.  I have a man in my life that I love but will never love me.  I am a shadow of the person I once was.  We talk every night like things haven’t changed, but in my heart I know it has.  He says he doesn’t want another girlfriend, but he likes spending time with me.  Why doesn’t he want to be with me?  Am I so gross and hideous that even with my awesome personality I can’t win over a man?

Its true you know, men need sex.  The fact is we never had sex.  It was a sexless relationship.  I was cheating on him with men from the online world, but never physically slept with anyone, but its still cheating.  I was drowning in alcohol every day because I wasn’t getting the love and attention I needed from him.  Is this the relationship I am missing so much?  What the hell is wrong with me?

Being bipolar is a funny dam thing.  Maybe it has nothing to do with being bipolar.  Maybe I’m just fucked up.  My other ex-boyfriend from years ago, told me the same thing you know.  He said I was some kind of masochist for sticking around so long.   He said he would never love me, but wanted to remain friends.  And like a fool I held on for 7 years.  I’m headed down that road again you know.  This time I am 32 not 24.  I don’t have years to be wasting anymore!

Time is precious.  What am I doing?  Just wasting away.  Tick tock.  I will be old and gray and say I have nothing to be proud of in this life.  Fuck.  What am I doing? God help me.

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11 Responses to Just existing….Not Living….Wasting Years

  1. Steve~ says:

    -If you are it…the product of some spinning cosmos that happened upon all of us by chance, I can see where a sense of hopeless wanderings might find a home in your self importance.

    -If your eyes, your heart, do not tell you that there is a far grander scheme of order ad purpose just from viewing the Stars alone at night, no one else will be able to help you to become a very defined domino.

  2. davidtalks13 says:

    I understand here exactly what you are going on about. Trust me, I don’t think you will be an old and grey person. I think the thing is is that some men like it simple. They like a girl who can fuck and a girl who thinks they are wonderful and not much else. Anything more is complications. Some women are the same. I have had women who I would have called my girlfriends, although we never had sex either, who couldn’t handle me. Sometimes people are just selfish. But being in a relationship does make you feel like you have something when in truth the relationship was never good for you. I think you will be just fine. Especially, if you are as hot as your gravitar.

    • Well, my dear, I am not as hot as my avatar. I am actually a lot fatter and a lot uglier than the avatar. If you really saw me you would be running for the hills! That being said, I let that relationship define who I was, and that was the mistake I made. I realize that now. I think I will be just fine too. Another day, another dollar 🙂

      • davidtalks13 says:

        When I hear someone belittle their looks, you know what I hear? “Blah blah blah”. Looks are so subjective. Someone “fat” or “ugly” to one person maybe as irresistible as chocolate to someone else. Forgive yourself too. Don’t blame everything on you X

      • Thanks for your kind words. I have always belittled my looks, even when I was hot and skinny. Its just something I do. I know, I know, it is totally unattractive!

      • davidtalks13 says:

        Nah, it doesn’t affect your attractiveness. You speak of being crazy but I can totally see where you are coming from. I just edit you would give yourself a break.

      • Thanks a lot! I will try. I have so many judgments upon myself that weigh me down. Its good someone sees that light in me 🙂

      • davidtalks13 says:

        Have a little faith in yourself. Lol, I know it is a cliché and it is really easy for me to say right? I don’t know. I hazard a guess a lot of the time and hope that I’m right. You just seem like a nice sort and you were supportive of me. You seem a nice girl.

      • Thanks, I appreciate that 🙂

      • davidtalks13 says:

        See! Flirting with people like my isn’t so bad 😉 I wouldn’t call that messed up!

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