crossroads2So here I am.  It has been one week since he broke up with me.  Feelings.  Still Numb.  Can’t shake the feeling that I have lost my best friend.

Lost in the world of bipolar.  The waves are strong that are carrying me.  I exist now like I did every day with a part missing.  It feels empty.  I know I can beat this.  The despair is overwhelming.

I would have left him, eventually.  I was leading a double life, where I was an online sex kitten but couldn’t bare to have the man I love touch me because I was so ashamed of my body.  No intimacy in a relationship can kill it.  He told me he wanted passion.  This coming from a man I thought didn’t have passion.  He has incredible passion and is capable of deep passionate love, as am I.  Alas, it doesn’t seem that we were supposed to go down that road together.

What do I want?  To be skinny and pretty again.  I loathe the way I look, yet I am too lazy to do anything about it.  I lack drive, motivation, and I got too comfortable.  I look at myself through a glass where I see the most hidious person looking back at me, and I want to be strong I want to conquer it, but I can’t.  I’m weak and beaten.

He left me.  I needed that wake up call.  That kick in the face to wake me up from a drunken stupor I was living in.  Every day I would drink.  It was a one way relationship.  I got nothing in return from him except “good company”.  I want to be more.  I want to mean more to someone one day.  I have to accept myself the way I am.  I have to see a beautiful me, or else no one else will.

I want to be a beautiful me.

In the world of bipolar, I am at the crossroads.

Where I will go, I know not.

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