Gutted…

isSo I am gutted.  The insides are on the out.  I just spent the last hour crying in the bathroom stall at my job.  I thought I had this beat.  But it keeps gutting me.  He broke up with me.  He said he probably will never love me.  What more is left to be said.

My bipolar is fucking with me.  I am riding this high and low that “normal”  people don’t feel.  I know you are supposed to grieve during a break up, but this is literally gutting me.  I just tried to eat and I almost threw it up.  Food tastes like ash.  I loved you so deeply and you don’t feel anything for me.  Ouch.  I invested two years of my life.

I knew it was wrong.  I hid behind you.  I would only saw you once a month because it was easier not to have to dress up every day to see you because let’s face it I am hideous without any makeup and a salon appointment.  You haven’t kissed me in almost a year.  And yet I stayed.  We never had sex.  And yet I stayed.  I hid behind you.  I never went out and socialized because I feel I am too fat and ugly.  I never met your parents or your friends.  Because I didn’t want to.  I am too fat and ugly to meet anyone you know.  I haven’t seen my high school friends because they are all gorgeous and married and I am fat and ugly.  This is my life.  This is how I feel.

I didn’t love myself that’s why you left me.  I am my own worst critic.  I look in the mirror and want to smash it that’s how ugly I am.  You didn’t leave me because I was ugly.  You wouldn’t have stayed two years if I turned you off so much.  It is me.  It starts with me.  It ends with me.

I wish I knew the art of self love.  I wish I could walk around with my head high.

I am lost.

I am alone.

I am bipolar.

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6 Responses to Gutted…

  1. eddust says:

    Ok, now i understand the gutted part.

    Don’t worry, we’ve all been through this! The good thing here is you’re not alone… and there’s always a way out. Patience, that’s all it takes, patience and strength. (sorry to post it again… i hate typos!)

    • Its ok. I “gutted” the other comment! LOL. Honestly, you have made my day now. It is so fucking hard. My god. Every waking moment, he creeps into my mind. He was such a huge part of my life. But I did know something was wrong. I was leading a “double life” if you read my blog you will see what I mean. I knew something was missing and it had to be over. I just didn’t want to let go. Of the familiarity, the convenience, the comfort. The fact is he didn’t touch me. Or even kiss me. He didn’t love me. I was to “available” to easy. No mystery. No intrigue. We were strangers not lovers.

      • eddust says:

        Well, if it makes you feel any better, you could think yourself as some sort of “secret agent”, kind of a James Bond type. Well… maybe later. But, seriously, I completely understand how you feel, believe me, I’ve been there. I have a saying that works for me whenever I’m feeling down: “I am awesome”. It sounds arrogant and maybe even useless, but once you understand that it’s NOT about the other person, but it’s entirely about YOU. Not meaning that you screwed things up, meaning more like this time, your mourning time, it’s for YOU, about YOU. I’m sure you know you did everything you could and even if the other person saw this as “easy” and “uninteresting”, you did not.

        Letting go is hard, but it’s necessary. Don’t forget your memories with him, your fun moments, even the sad ones. They are ALL PART OF WHO YOU ARE.

        Here, read this whenever you have time 🙂 : http://cheerstoall.net/2011/10/28/letting-go-love-relationships-part-i/

        I’m already reading yours.

  2. zen city says:

    you are absolutely not alone.
    inconsolably sad, “gutted”, maybe – but alone, you are not.
    blessings are on their way – so be available to let them in!! and look for them!
    one day you will look back & understand how it was a good thing and you would
    have not arrived in a better place had you stayed in a relationship that was not for your highest good anyway.
    namaste,
    laurie

    • Thank you for your insight! I am struggling yes, but it was for the best. I believe this, For me every day is a battle, I am trying hard to move on, but it is sooo hard. I am in such a vulnerable place where I feel my insides are on the outsides. Like I am literally “gutted”. But thanks for your comment and following my blog 🙂

      Namaste.

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