Being bipolar is tough. Sometimes you are pulling your hair out because you want to talk to your guy (girl) all the time, and you slowly get the feeling they are sick of you. With this barrage and mixed state of emotions I am constantly feeling needy and desperate for attention. So I drink, drink it all away. But I know that’s not the answer. I have to find myself, be kind to myself. When I am reaching for that phone every night, I have to hold back and say “wait, let him call me”.
I thought about being evolved on the whole phone “who to call who” game, but me and my boyfriend basically have a phone relationship. The critics who are out there will say that is not a real realtionship , but I do get to see him once a month, (he lives far and with gas and toll it is expensive). So when expenses are running high and we are all trying to catch up, having a real relationship in between can be tough.
So we have the phone. But the phone is not the same as seeing him. Spending time with him and being with him in his arms. I love my boyfriend, but I am starting to feel like a “job” to him. Not anything unpleasant, just another chore that has to be done. I don’t want to be a chore, like something he is forced to do. He answers his phone always. and never mistreats me, like avoids me or is insensitve. But I hear it. I hear the distaste in his voice. It breaks my heart.
I realized long ago, that being bipolar and being in a relationship isn’t the smartest thing. These wayward emotions block any kind of logical mind you have. You become obsessive, like the crazy girlfriend that won’t stop calling. That hasn’t happened yet to me, because I drwon in booze so I don’t have to worry about my phone. Isn’t that sad? It so is.
I have to realize that I need to do things for myself. Today, after work I am going to the mall to buy a new shirt. Have dinner (by myself I don’t mind), and go to the bank and pay some bills.
I told him I would call him earlier, since he has been getting off the phone earlier because he’s tired (or so he says), and it is meant with a groan and overall displeasure on the other line. Is that how I make him feel?
Not tonight. Tonight I won’t call at all. We made a niche for ourselves as our “quality time” but it is starting to sound like such a chore for him. I don’t want to be THAT girl. That ” oh my god, its HER again”. That’s not the girl I am, nor that’s not the relationship I signed up for.
Ladies, don’t let it get stale. Step up, show some restraint. You got him. He’s Yours. Now make sure he is the happiest man in the world since you are his. Don’t make your relationship seem like a job to him. I need to say that to myself, over and over again.
I can do this. I won’t call tonight. I won’t. He will call me. He will. Let’s make him wonder a little.