Its unpredictable. Its a challenge. You wake up every morning not knowing what the day will bring. I am always tired. Just dragging. Like my body is saying give up you piece of shit why bother. Picking at the horrible scabs on my face because I have horrible skin. Yuck. What a mess you are.
I don’t want to call out for work and spend my days drowning in booze. I did that crap already and I am not interested in the replay. All I want to do is rest, but when I am resting all I want to do is SOMETHING.
I wish for once, I can sit still and let my mind just drift off to a nice sleep. I love a nice sleep. A nice uninterrupted sleep. God won’t you give me that just once? When I am up I am tired ALL the time, when I am laying down, I want to get up and move around. Make up your mind bitch. Geez. Grant me some peace will ya?
I have accepted my situation yes, but waking up with this illness is such a battle, I swear. No one knows what I go through except a therapist, so I recently joined a forum. It is nice to be around a community that’s struggling too, but they are ALWAYS upset. Always upset, whining and crying. I just want to chat and shoot the breeze. Talk about life, the universe and get my mind off things for a while. Not just wallow more in it. Am I asking too much? Probably. When I do come across that great conversation with someone, I get bored and want to keep moving. Why am I always wanting to move and when I start moving I am always tired? I mean really, what the hell is that?
I am not really looking for answers. I know what they are. Its a diagnosis. You have bipolar ya freak, just deal with it. Life from the outside looks so easy. I look at all these beautiful people and I think to myself. I want their life. Hell, I just want their skin. These potmarks on my face just gotta go. I know its the medication doing it, the doctor told me. So, what, get off the medication, have clear beautiful skin and then be a walking disaster?
God, what a sense of humor you have, hope you are enjoying your good laugh.
Now off to work I go, and hopefully I don’t run home like I did yesterday and crawl underneath my covers. I was so tired. Let’s not make it a replay shall we? I will be strong today.
Bipolar, today you are my bitch, I won’t let you conquer me. Sit in the corner and shut the fuck up.