Waking up with Bipolar

sleeping-on-the-keyboardIts unpredictable.  Its a challenge.  You wake up every morning not knowing what the day will bring. I am always tired.  Just dragging.  Like my body is saying give up you piece of shit why bother.  Picking at the horrible scabs on my face because I have horrible skin.  Yuck.  What a mess you are.

I don’t want to call out for work and spend my days drowning in booze.  I did that crap already and I am not interested in the replay.  All I want to do is rest, but when I am resting all I want to do is SOMETHING.

I wish for once, I can sit still and let my mind just drift off to a nice sleep.   I love a nice sleep.  A nice uninterrupted sleep.  God won’t you give me that just once?  When I am up I am tired ALL the time, when I am laying down, I want to get up and move around.  Make up your mind bitch.  Geez.  Grant me some peace will ya?

I have accepted my situation yes, but waking up with this illness is such a battle, I swear.  No one knows what I go through except a therapist, so I recently joined a forum.  It is nice to be around a community that’s struggling too, but they are ALWAYS upset.  Always upset, whining and crying.  I just want to chat and shoot the breeze.  Talk about life, the universe and get my mind off things for a while.  Not just wallow more in it.  Am I asking too much?  Probably.  When I do come across that great conversation with someone, I get bored and want to keep moving.  Why am I always wanting to move and when I start moving I am always tired?  I mean really, what the hell is that?

I am not really looking for answers.  I know what they are.  Its a diagnosis.  You have bipolar ya freak, just deal with it.  Life from the outside looks so easy.  I look at all these beautiful people and I think to myself.   I want their life.  Hell, I just want their skin.  These potmarks on my face just gotta go.  I know its the medication doing it, the doctor told me.  So, what, get off the medication, have clear beautiful skin and then be a walking disaster?

God, what a sense of humor you have, hope you are enjoying your good laugh.

Now off to work I go, and hopefully I don’t run home like I did yesterday and crawl underneath my covers.  I was so tired.  Let’s not make it a replay shall we?  I will be strong today.

Bipolar, today you are my bitch,  I won’t let you conquer me.  Sit in the corner and shut the fuck up.

Stay tuned………..

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7 Responses to Waking up with Bipolar

  1. iceman18 says:

    Check out The Icarus Project if you haven’t already. It’s a BP site. Just google.

    Cheers!

  2. Petunia says:

    I can so totally relate… mine is sort of in remission right now because I’ve successfully eliminated all triggers, but that’s never a permanent state. I don’t know you and I don’t want to sound all preachy, but honey, the alcohol… no no no no….. One thing that’s helped me “recover” is staying clean: no alcohol, no drugs, no MEDS, a healthy diet, etc etc etc. I’m not perfect at it, but it DOES help. Something to do with allowing the energy to flow through your body.

    • Petunia says:

      Okay, so no meds works for me because I’m only borderline BP…. if you need the meds, take them! I think meds are great if you need them, but they can be the devil if you don’t…

    • Its ok you can preach! I realize that things happen for a reason, You see, I drink and abuse myself because I don’t love myself. I know this. My boyfriend knows this. That is why he broke up with me tonight, I don’t even feel like drinking. I don’t know what I feel. But thanks for this. I will give up the drinking. I have to.

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