So what the hell is it? You know we can sit here and diagnose ourselves, and try and find bullcrap medications for our ailments but who really knows us? Who are we? What am I? Questions I have been struggling with my whole dam life. You know what we are? Sinners, outcasts. They have been throwing stones at us for years. Calling us witches and god only knows what else. We are the ones you throw in the closet under the dusty shoes. The thing you stick away so no one will see.
Well, I will not stay hidden. Eff that. I am here because I want to forego all the labels. I was depressed, I was suicidal. I was in a manic state where I thought Jesus was talking to me. I wonder what does bipolar mean to you? Do you even know you have it? I didn’t. I thought drinking my life away and sleeping with a lot of men was normal for a girl in her twenties. It’s not? News to me. Maybe they diagnosed me bipolar because they wanted to shut me up?
Granted now that I look back on my rantings and thoughts about the Universe, I can say they were all fanatical rantings. But were they real? You know they say that we don’t use 95% of our brain. Is that true? So what the hell is going on in the rest of the brain? Do aliens really watch us and wonder, or are we communicating with them telepathically and we are unaware of this.
I talked to God one day a long time ago. He told me he sent me his son to guide me. Jesus was here talking to me. Being of a muslim household you can say WOW that’s effed up. I believe in the teachings of Jesus. He was a man with great ideas. He helped me in the dark abyss of depression that I was in. That abyss that when you go down the rabbit hole, it just keeps getting deeper and deeper. Have you ever been there? Locked in your room for days and just not wanting to deal with the world. I have. I even tested the waters and drowned in a sea of vodka and pills to see if I could just put an end to it all. They called me suicidal. Then they said bipolar. Who the hell knows? Who the hell told THEM they were the experts. Maybe I am just special. Maybe all of us that has this illness is special. Maybe we are the normal ones and THEY are the freaks. When the hell did we get the label freaks anyway?
I sit back and look at my life. Wow there were some close calls. Every time I shook hands with the Death Dealer he threw me back. Why? So I can sit in my room on a Friday afternoon and blog? What sense does that make? Maybe it was so I could reach out to my bipolar community. To all you out there. All you reading. Are you like me? Do we feel lost? Does the ground crumble under your knees from the random thoughts that fly through your head……We are one
We are the bipolar.