Addiction is powerful. Especially when its for another human being. Inside your essence, down to your core, reaching the furthest patterns into your soul. I have a friend I have known for years. He was involved with one of my good friends. I never found him quite attractive but his mind and spirit blow me away. Every time I speak to him I learn something new.
My lust, his animal beast. I fell deep into him. He fell deep into me. We drowned. Our animals. Not caring about the other people around us. He is in a polygamous relationship and coming from a place of a totally monogamous way of thinking, it can be scary. He always thought he would be the one sharing men with his woman not that he would fall in love. Enter me. Fuck, I love him. We shackled ourselves to one another and the Virginian, his woman, meant nothing to us. He was my crack. I was his cocaine. It got to the point of complete insanity.
Halt. His woman. She is ok with me, I am ok with her. We understand each other, we know each other. He blocked himself off from her and got lost in me. I lost touch with the Virginian. Fuck. Too much. I got lost deeply, fully to this man, to where I was seeing myself in the mirror looking back at his face not mine. Scary.
Time for a detox. My ex is going through some stuff I love him too. I love the Virginian. He hasn’t spoken to me in a while. I got lost in my good friend, we fucking blew the heavens open with our lust. Being monogamous isn’t for me. I know that now. My friend wants to marry me and his woman. I want to marry him. I want to marry the Virginian. Fuck. I love my ex. We share a special bond too. Three men in my life. Three different loves.
Have to focus on one at a time as I juggle the other two. As sinful and as crazy as fuck this is. I am one lucky woman. I am beautiful. I am loved.
Detox. Time to focus.