The “Raunchy” Side of the Internet

cyber_sex

What is this thing? My dear friends this is where the predators dwell. I am talking about those sleazy places on the internet where we say we don’t hang out,.(but yeah all of us have cruised on by there). Now over the past few months I have lurking in what Chat Avenue calls “Adult Chat” strictly for research, (okay forgive the few orgasms but they were for educational purposes!), and did you know this place has over 2000 people in it at any time of the day? I mean, I remember the days of AOL Chat when you could barely cram 50 people in a chat and even then it was too crowded. What are these people doing you ask?

Well believe it or not, not all of them are looking to get off. Well most are, I am talking about the “1/2000” here people, work with me. Some just want the company of a female chatter and in the age of sex bots (which destroyed the  Queen Mother of fun chat, Yahoo), and in the age of Tumblr, (do you see what sex positions gifs they got going on there?) and of course good ole porn, men are finding it more and more difficult to engage in a fun conversation with a woman.

Okay let’s clarify some things. “Fun” doesn’t USUALLY mean the same thing to men as to women. Most men think of “fun” as sticking out their ugly dick while jerking it, while we are supposed to be playing with out titties and cooter on the other side of the cam. WRONG. And no, I didn’t say ALL men, I said MOST. Look I like online sex as much as the next freak, but let’s be honest here, what ever happened to a little bit of finesse, suave and good ole swagger? Oh I have seen internet swagger believe you me, (i.e, the nice Australian gent that spent two hours worshiping my breasts through text, oh yes it can be done). But fun can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. Take women for example, fun can be a nice intelligent witty banter with a nice gent that turns a bit flirty. That’s fun! Boring you say? Well jerk off alone then! (Because turning flirty with that finesse, suave and swagger can turn into a good roleplay/romp sex chat, just a FYI)

But forget about all that for a second. In the age of Tindering, and online dating everywhere, chat is not supposed to be the be all end all like it used to be back in the day. Sure, you meet someone, exchange a few pics, bodily fluids end up on the keyboard/mouse (oops!) and then they go on your buddy list till the next time you want to cum….errr… talk.  Then when a bond develops and distance doesn’t become a problem, all you do is stare at your computer and scream “When the fuck is this person coming online????????” Those days my friends are gone. AOL and Yahoo and the infamous “buddy lists” are passe. It’s all about the “cum” and “go” aspect of things now. Sure you can argue that Paltalk and Wireclub have the whole “buddy list” thing still going on, but is anyone on that shit? Or even heard of it?  During one of my midnight rantings with one of my girlfriends, I said “so you on Paltalk?” She literally said “WTF is a Paltalk?” I spit out my wine and that was it.

So is internet chatting dead?  Well with places like Chat Avenue around its not totally dead, by why talk in text when you can oogle at tits on Chaturbate? Or just cruise Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook for endless hours stalking….errr… talking to people right? And if you’re bored Netflix and chillin’ by yourself, instead of chatting you could be trolling real life dating websites looking for “Ms. Right Now Vagina Wet” , and “Mr. So Wrong That He Really Wants it in Your Ass”. #RealProblems.

Hey look I know I have been out of it for a while, but to my almost 300 followers I haven’t forgotten you peeps. You got me through some hard times, and while this unchained soul hasn’t seen the bottom of her last bottle, there will be more to come that’s for sure!

Stay tuned.

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Learning Not to Depend on Someone for Happiness

codepdenencyHave you ever entered into a situation where you constantly need attention?  Where their time and devotion is all you crave and you just can’t get enough?  I have had to deal with that lately and let me tell you it sucks.  I was very independent and was talking to many people for a while.  Even dabbled in polygamy, just so I wouldn’t be so needy and devoted to one person.  When you give yourself to one person, sometimes they can become your world and you lose yourself.  Of whatever you were.

That’s where I am at.  I would like to blame bipolar and say “oh yeah, my illness causes my co-dependency.”  But you know that’s not the case.  Learning to love someone that has a hobby they love can be tough.  For women its hard too, when guys are really into their sports, video games and TV shows.  We try to accommodate them by forcing ourselves to enjoy what they love, but why not find something that we love?  Find your own want and needs.

I am at these crossroads now, and I don’t really know what to do.  I am lost trying to find my way.  Not talking to multiple people and keeping my options constantly open was great for me.  I am not used to this.  HELP!!

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Detox

Addiction is powerful.  Especially when its for another human being.  Inside your essence, down to your core, reaching the furthest patterns into your soul.  I have a friend I have known for years.  He was involved with one of my good friends.  I never found him quite attractive but his mind and spirit blow me away.  Every time I speak to him I learn something new.

My lust, his animal beast.  I fell deep into him.  He fell deep into me.  We drowned.  Our animals.  Not caring about the other people around us.  He is in a polygamous relationship and coming from a place of a totally monogamous way of thinking, it can be scary.  He always thought he would be the one sharing men with his woman not that he would fall in love.  Enter me.  Fuck, I love him.  We shackled ourselves to one another and the Virginian, his woman, meant nothing to us.  He was my crack.  I was his cocaine.  It got to the point of complete insanity.

Halt.  His woman.  She is ok with me, I am ok with her.  We understand each other, we know each other.  He blocked himself off from her and got lost in me.  I lost touch with the Virginian.  Fuck.  Too much.  I got lost deeply, fully to this man, to where I was seeing myself in the mirror looking back at his face not mine.  Scary.

Time for a detox.  My ex is going through some stuff I love him too.  I love the Virginian. He hasn’t spoken to me in a while.  I got lost in my good friend, we fucking blew the heavens open with our lust.  Being monogamous isn’t for me.  I know that now.  My friend wants to marry me and his woman.  I want to marry him.  I want to marry the Virginian. Fuck.  I love my ex.  We share a special bond too.  Three men in my life.  Three different loves.

Have to focus on one at a time as I juggle the other two.  As sinful and as crazy as fuck this is. I am one lucky woman.  I am beautiful.  I am loved.

Detox.  Time to focus.

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Detox

Addiction is powerful.  Especially when its for another human being.  Inside your essence, down to your core, reaching the furthest patterns into your soul.  I have a friend I have known for years.  He was involved with one of my good friends.  I never found him quite attractive but his mind and spirit blow me away.  Every time I speak to him I learn something new.

My lust, his animal beast.  I fell deep into him.  He fell deep into me.  We drowned.  Our animals.  Not caring about the other people around us.  He is in a polygamous relationship and coming from a place of a totally monogamous way of thinking, it can be scary.  He always thought he would be the one sharing men with his woman not that he would fall in love.  Enter me.  Fuck, I love him.  We shackled ourselves to one another and the Virginian, his woman, meant nothing to us.  He was my crack.  I was his cocaine.  It got to the point of complete insanity.

Halt.  His woman.  She is ok with me, I am ok with her.  We understand each other, we know each other.  He blocked himself off from her and got lost in me.  I lost touch with the Virginian.  Fuck.  Too much.  I got lost deeply, fully to this man, to where I was seeing myself in the mirror looking back at his face not mine.  Scary.

Time for a detox.  My ex is going through some stuff I love him too.  I love the Virginian. He hasn’t spoken to me in a while.  I got lost in my good friend, we fucking blew the heavens open with our lust.  Being monogamous isn’t for me.  I know that now.  My friend wants to marry me and his woman.  I want to marry him.  I want to marry the Virginian. Fuck.  I love my ex.  We share a special bond too.  Three men in my life.  Three different loves.

Have to focus on one at a time as I juggle the other two.  As sinful and as crazy as fuck this is. I am one lucky woman.  I am beautiful.  I am loved.

Detox.  Time to focus.

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Pure Lust

lustInsatiable.  We feel it.  For most of us its controlled, only because of what “society” deems acceptable.   With 50 Shades of Grey, the whole S&M thing got totally blown out into the open.  What do we like about it?  Danger.  It scares us and excites us.

My “beast” is a special girl.  I have separated my sexuality in two parts.  The split is there because she is a danger to me.  I wear a mask everyday and what’s underneath is an animal.  I have been exploring this lately and I am shocking myself. Danger.  She likes to be choked, to be restrained.

You know men have wanted me.  But not in this way.  Not in this way.  This sends chills up my spine.  Being bipolar, I can reach heights, (as am sure most of us really can), of pure ecstasy that no “normal” person can feel.  Is it really part of the mania?  Its like being coked up without the drugs.  The shit is fucking incredible.

I am going to explore it.  I am going to enjoy doing it.  Hell, it will get me out of the depression.  I want to drink to numb it out because, fuck, its so strong.  She is an animal. She is a beast.  She scares me.

If I were me, I would fuck the shit out of myself.  That’s how sexy she is.

Fuck.

Pure Lust.

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The Bipolar Itch and Waiting to Exhale

There is that itch you get that you can’t scratch.  Its in the back of your brain, deep  in your heart or locked in the fathoms of your soul.  Bipolar can make you see things, but how does it work in relationships?  I have been Waiting to Exhale, and for those who never saw this Whitney Houston gem of a movie back in the 90s its about women waiting for that infamous shoe to drop where we meet the man of our dreams.

To be honest, I think I am feeling a bit restless.  That great love seems like an exercise in futility.  It almost seems barren, like my uterus.  Yeah I said it.  My ex got his ex pregnant twice and in the 5 years we were together, Nothing.  It is a blessing.  I didn’t want a kid by that douchebag anyhow.  But I digress.

I am in a state of extreme ease.  Like the calm before the storm.  Maybe all the drinking has numbed me out.  Yeah I picked up the bottle again, after a few months of taking it easy with it I started drinking again.  Fuck I just deleted three sentences.  God what in the fuck. Stupid laptop.  What a waste of money, this piece of shit.

Fucking mundane life.

The bipolar itch.

Maybe that Skype sex date I have later will wrestle me out of this.  Did I forget to mention I started cyber fucking one of my close friends?  Yeah.  He makes me beautiful.  At least someone does.  But that’s for another time.

The bipolar itch.

The Virginian.  Waiting to exhale.  I honestly don’t think he is the one.  I am settling again. I know I am.  Too much in my head.  Waiting for that other shoe to drop.  Dam,  I need to make sense of all of this.

Stay tuned.

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Clarity and Chaos

clarityTwo opposing forces?  I don’t think so. Divine truth.  Whatever runs through my head, the tears that fall, or the mountain of emotion that invades my spirit and my heart all leads to Truth. My thoughts today are clearer.  Clarity in the direct center of all the Chaos.  God help me as I try and understand this.

We are so small.  We are all gods.  In our own hearts.  That blade, as I drag it across my skin can end any inkling of hope I had of this world.  Where do I belong?  This isn’t even a rat race.  I have been conducting exercises of futility.  Results aren’t changing because I haven’t gotten up off of my fat ass to do anything about it.  The drive.  Oh that drive.  Was I always manic when I was younger?  Is that what helped me lose the weight and hold jobs for all those years?  I wonder.  People.  Interesting creatures.  Doctors.  Even MORE interesting.  Oh but they don’t know what the fuck they are talking about.

Being in this state.  I am ME.  Fucked up little bipolar me.  If that’s what they call it.  Life in the mundane.  You know working every day really screwed with me.  I felt like putting a bullet in my head.  So unhappy.  Where does it end.  I have to go back to work full time within a year.  The Virginian.  My future.  How do I tell him I am a lazy bum?  Eventually he will find out, and of course leave me.

The Drive.  Oh how I miss it.  Unmistakable ambition.  Oh.  I am capable of it.  The ruthless ambition.  Its in me.  But where?  This universe cannot hold me.  I want to live among the stars.  I am Stardust.  Just flying through space that is bottled because of these fuckin’ pills.  They have me stable.  But do they really help?  I am at my best when I am unstable,  Sure, I can’t control it.  But wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could?

Controlled Chaos.

The Ultimate Clarity.

God hear me.

The universe is calling me.

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