The Flame of Bipolar

flickering candleHave you ever watched a candle’s flame? Watch it flicker then remain still.  My life is empty.  My life is boring.  I have everything, yet nothing.  Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be in someone else’s shoes?  Not have your own personal hell but be on an island somewhere?

I am so bored, yet I don’t want to go out.  I go for a walk and among the trees and the crisp air of Fall, I feel nothing.  Yes I can go out there, but there is nothing out there for me,  I am fat, ugly and miserable.  My bipolar flame.  Sometimes I want it extinguished.  Nothing more.  No more troubles, no more fears.

This is a rollercoaster, like the the flicker of that candle.  It goes slow and then it goes fast. I am feeling all sorts of unnecessary emotions.  I have no money these past couple of days. Can’t even go out and have a drink. Fuck.  I didn’t budget properly this month.  Another sign of failure.

When I started writing this post I was stuck.  Now I feel like I have a spear in my chest. He’s working late.  Again.  The soldier I was totally gaga over ignores me.  I am fat, ugly, with a huge gut.  I am running around in circles in my head.  I am so depressed not even a drink will help.  Yeah I can go out, dip into my savings (which are totally depleted) and buy myself a bottle.  Then take my meds and go to sleep.  Mixing meds with alcohol the past couple of weeks hasn’t been good, although I have been feeling fine.

But today.  Today is the worst of the worst.  My Bipolar flame is getting lighter and lighter and there is nothing from stopping me from taking all my pills at once and just ending it all.  But what does that do?  Hurt my family and those who know me.  Ending my life is not an option although this rollercoaster and pain in my chest just needs to cease.

Another day for the flame to burn on.

Stay Tuned.

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What is a “Soulmate?”

soulmateI have read definitions of the word “soulmate” and very few describe a wife or husband or even boyfriend and girlfriend.  Its the most important person you will ever meet.  Someone who is in your life to stay forever.  The one that knows all of your flaws and accepts them in every possible way.  We are not perfect, we just fit.

I describe him as a lost soul.  I have no idea what his inner workings are, he is very much closed off.  He is complex and very much a loner.  He loves nature and wants a cabin in the woods to live all by himself like a hermit.  Very much the anti-social type, he has one other friend other than me.  My mirror image.  My equal.  I love him so very very much.  He is attractive to me yes, but I can’t fulfill my sexual desires with him.  The love extends much more than the physical.

In therapy, I have learned to understand the complexities of our relationship.  A mate doesn’t necessarily mean that you will romp around the sack with this person for the next 50 years, but that you can tolerate each other enough that when life is in your face you don’t want this person out of yours.

This society is fucked.  Superficial, shallow, Tinder swiping, Picture whoring, Sexting, empty motherfuckers.  I don’t fit in this world.  I am not pretty anymore.  Men do not look in my direction.  No one will ever find me attractive enough to date in my present condition.  Hopefully with the help of a nutritionist I can change the physical around for the better.  But with him its just us.  Enjoying time together.  No one will understand it, and its fine.  He does not fulfill my sexual appetite, but he is everything I want in a man. At group therapy yesterday, a girl was speaking with her counselor and I overheard some of their conversation.  She said she was profoundly lonely.  Guys coming in and out of her life.  That’s where I was at.  Before I met my soulmate.

People throw that word around too much too.  He bought me a ring, he is my soulmate. She gave me the greatest blowjob she is my soulmate.  Blah.  What a fucked up world we live in.  Yes there are people out there who are lucky enough to find the whole package, but I am not one of them.

Spinning around in the cycle of bipolar and depression along with having no job and career and pretty much failing at everything I put my energy in, I have to say he is my constant and the only good decision I made by keeping him in my life.  He may never be in love with me, but through his actions and dedication to me he truly is my other half.

I have never thought about it, but maybe the reason I haven’t found someone is because its not my time yet.  I have to lose this weight, I have to find a job, and I have to move to a more secure place with my family.   Some major life changes are in store so honestly I don’t want to meet anyone right now.  My soulmate is all I need.

My definition of soulmate:

“A person that puts up with your worst qualities.  You can whine, complain, be a nag and he will still answer his phone.  He will call you all the time to see how you are.  If you have to go out he will understand and let you be.  You can be silly and extremely stupid and he will laugh along with you.  When you cry or something happens he is the first one you call and he will be extremely supportive.  You can be completely unreasonable and he will listen and understand.  He will ALWAYS pick up his phone and get back to you.  He is completely dedicated to you”.

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Horizons Overhead. Overcoming the Mundane

horizonThe mundane.  The every day.  I lay in bed for hours on end, crippled by my lack of motivation and utter despair.  Brighter days have come.  They are so small that they are not even worth mentioning.  My experiences with the soldier have taught me that I am a beautiful woman that deserves happiness.  Such a hard statement for me to make.

He has finally left my life and as I look back on that chapter, all I can do is smile.  My faith in people and humanity has diminished due to the overwhelming shallow and pretentious individuals that have come into my path lately.  One can only hope in the glimmer of light.

My grandfather passed away last night.  He slowly let my grandmother die last year and he paid for it by spending a year in the hospital and nursing home as a complete vegetable. His body functions were completely healthy but he wasn’t able to speak or open his eyes. The ultimate punishment.  The ultimate revenge.  But there were horizons overhead for him as he passed on to another plane of existence.

My time will come.  But not yet.  Not yet.

He is out there.  He may be on a mountain, like the man I met online last night.  Or he may be in Afghanistan fighting for our freedom like my soldier that has left my life.

I am not alone.

My time hasn’t come to experience the utter true love.  Th real love.  The ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.

When I think about suicide I think what I will be missing out on.  All the experiences I have yet to live.

My time hasn’t come to leave this planet.  Not yet.  Not yet.

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A New Day…..Living with Bipolar and Depression

secret-life-of-walter-mitty-pic-06So on this new chapter of life, I ask the age old question.  How do I shake this feeling?  I am running out of money this month, my manic behavior took over a little bit and I have been over spending, where I shouldn’t be.  Just spent $90 on a manicure!  $90 which I didn’t have to begin with, which was embarrassing to split between my credit card and cash.

But I digress.  Life is mundane.  So meaningless.  With the addition of the Day Treatment Program, I have met new friends and have made some changes.  But the problems are still there haunting me.  Been taking a new approach with the chat scene too.  I took my pictures down off of my profile.  Been chatting completely anonymous now.  What is interesting is that the quality of people are completely different.  No one sending me personal messages like “I like your pic” then the conversation ends there.  Completely shallow.  Completely hollow.  People are empty these days.  Sure I want to know what the person looks like that I’m chatting to, but is it the basis for speaking to someone? When did that become the requirement?  I have my preferences.  I prefer white men.  But I have chatted to all different cultures from all over the world, why is it that looks are the main focus?

Off topic, I do that.  Where were we.  Yes Bipolar.  Ben Stiller has bipolar.  And The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is the quintessence of what we are and what we want to become.  Life. Ahhh.  What a wonderful thing.  It is truly a gift.  And as I watch my inbox of the empty messages on my OKCupid profile, and wondering why the fat man I messaged rejected me too, I wonder about people.  My soldier,  I only see him once every two weeks.  I wonder how he is and where life is taking him the times we are apart.

The low. The mundane.  The days we don’t want to get out of bed.  Hope.  It is for us.  I hold onto it, because I will never have these days of my youth again.  Next month, I will not spend my check on eating out and drinks, but some nutritional foods.  My cholesterol is high.  My psychiatrist and my doctor have been warning me about it for some time now. I have to be careful.  There is heart disease in my family and my 42 year old cousin died of a heart attack and my Dad is a three time heart attack survivor with a whole bunch of metal in his chest.

I have to make some choices.  I can’t sit in bed and let it come to me.  I am not 24 anymore.  I am 34.  Ten years.  Where did it go?  I can’t lay in bed for another 10 years.  I can’t.  I won’t.

Hmmm.   I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

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Depression kicking my ass……

head-in-handsIts kicking my ass today.  I am stuck in a mode where I don’t know what this life is.  I am so lost.  I have everything.  Well not everything.  But as I am burning my Tibetan incense for some peace, I am playing so many things in my head.  Bipolar is the least of my problems.  I haven’t felt bipolar in years.  Or maybe that’s not true either because I get really manic at night where I am so hyped I can’t sleep.

Just a mess of confusion.  And as I lay here in bed with my laptop on a beautiful sunny afternoon, I am oblivious of the world around me.  Trapped in my own head.  Swirling thoughts.  Boredom.  Laziness.  Is this what life is?  Most people’s answer is “go out and take a walk, you will feel better.”  I am crippled.  I am paralyzed.  In my head that is.  I often wonder what a person in a wheelchair would give to be able to walk, and I think of what strength they have.

My problems seem so petty to those suffering much more than me.  But yet here I am trapped.  Paralyzed.  Crippled.  I am gutted.  I feel my insides on the outside.  I want to be seen.  I want someone to see me.  Hear me.  I am screaming at the top of my lungs with no answer.  Hopeless, helpless.

Help me.  God.  Help me.

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Faith, In One Self – The True Self

faithFaith.  Such a hard concept.  I have been writing drafts of posts the past two weeks but never was able to put my thoughts down properly.  I fell into a depression after I realized the soldier in my life was never coming back online.  How quick I am to say never.

Having and all or nothing attitude has been my downfall, because I don’t have faith.  Faith in my self. The true self.  We can say anything about God or what it means to have faith, but if we mask it with words and don’t really feel it in our hearts, who the heck are we suppose to be fooling or trying to convince?

The soldier came back.  And it was like it was before, he smiled and laughed and just couldn’t stop staring at me on cam.  I really never thought I would see him again.  And it wasn’t the same.  Something is missing.  Maybe it was the initial joy of it all, that somehow fell flat the second time I saw him.  But oh he was still handsome as ever!

So I am going to take a leap of Faith.  Through my depression comes light.  Somehow or some way, I know this man came into my life.  I have to slow down though.  I am speaking in terms of forever to a man I hardly know.  But here I am. jumping on my faith.  I am smart enough to know when to hold back.  The thing about it is, I have never felt beautiful and he makes me feel oh so beautiful.

But Faith.  What is it?  It was National Suicide Week last week and I thought about how I tried to commit suicide and failed.  I was saved.  I jumped in to see how far the rabbit hole goes, and it was a deep one.  I often wonder about this life and the next.  Will my True Self make it to the next life?  Or the next dimension?  Or will I just be a shadow of a person I once was.  Who is God anyway?  What does he mean to me.  The depression is sneaking in again, as I miss my soldier.  Our time is so short.  Just like our time on this Earth.

Have faith.  Just have faith.

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Part of a Letter…..

Handwritten letterSo this blog is somewhat a part of a diary I am keeping.  Since my writing has been messed up lately because of all the meds, I am going to write something I may never get to mail. As I spoke to my soldier, I told him I would write to him.  I may never see him online again so I just wanted to write this to remind myself of what I felt today.

Dear C,

You have no idea what coming to my life has done.  What it has shown me.  God brought you to me, oh my angel.  I close my eyes and see your smile and I cry.  Moments like this happen once in a lifetime.  I am prepared that I will never see your smile again, but the time of love and laughter we shared was timeless.

You will be with me forever and always,  Our time capsule sealed forever in an ocean of love.

You opened my heart.  Of course I wonder what it would be like to hold you.  Have a real solid kiss.  You know a long passionate one.  I love you,  Wherever you are.  It feels so good to have an open heart.  To allow myself to love again without no expectations.  I am just freeing my love out there for the world to see me in all my nakedness.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

If I never see you again, I will never forget the gift you gave to me.  You made me so beautiful and a man out there will see me.  Maybe it will be you.  But even if it isn’t at least I know its possible.

I love you.



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