Life has a Way of Telling and Showing you things……..

Where do we I go from here?  That question has plagued me all my life.  Life is a gift and it is precious.  I am bipolar. crying and whining about my horrible life, sinking deep into depression, drinking my life away.

Then it happened.  I was going outside to get some air, when I just tripped and fell on the backyard pool covering and busted up my face and mouth.

Sitting in the hospital with my lips merged with my teeth, I sat there thinking will I be deformed forever?  That’s a realization that came to me.  Here I am complaining and crying about how horrible my life is and now I could be deformed.  It was an eye opener.

Life is precious, our journey is not written.  It is made for us for love every moment, and enjoy every second with those we love or have loved.  I sat in my room every day after work just letting the days and nights overlap and blur in this mundane thing called life.

Being bipolar and being depressed and pouring my heart out is what I do best.  Writing isn’t my best gift, but when I have a message I usually think I should put it out there.

Live life everyday.  When you look in the mirror tell yourself you are beautiful no matter what, because one day that beautiful face can be shattered with one slip and fall.  I learned that.  I have to see a plastic surgeon to see if it can be repaired, but I am hopeful it will be.  I miss my big beautiful smile.  Wow what a lesson.  Love your life.  Love who you are.

Growing up

At thirty two years of age we would think that I would be grown up.  That I would know what the hell this life has in store for me.  Its amazing, opportunites are here staring in my face and I don’t know where to turn.  I still lack the drive and determination I should have, but I am growing as a person.  This break-up taught me so much.  About looking inside myself.  Into peering deep into my soul and taking a real hard look at myself.

Those drunken stupors wasn’t helping anyone.  Falling head first into a bottle didn’t solve the mystery of why I was so miserable.  It was being too comfortable.  Being just satisfied just enough to deal with life and just exist.  I am worth so much more than that.  We all are.

I want a slow dance.  I want a real first kiss.  I look at the faults of my ex-boyfriend and reflect back at my own faults.  I pretended.  I pretended that friendship was all you need.  It may be all you need in your twilight years, but not when you’re a hot young woman in her 30′s.  This is when I should be living.  Instead I was living a slow death.

Time to live.  Time to be alive.

Crossroads…..

So here I am.  It has been one week since he broke up with me.  Feelings.  Still Numb.  Can’t shake the feeling that I have lost my best friend.

Lost in the world of bipolar.  The waves are strong that are carrying me.  I exist now like I did every day with a part missing.  It feels empty.  I know I can beat this.  The despair is overwhelming.

I would have left him, eventually.  I was leading a double life, where I was an online sex kitten but couldn’t bare to have the man I love touch me because I was so ashamed of my body.  No intimacy in a relationship can kill it.  He told me he wanted passion.  This coming from a man I thought didn’t have passion.  He has incredible passion and is capable of deep passionate love, as am I.  Alas, it doesn’t seem that we were supposed to go down that road together.

What do I want?  To be skinny and pretty again.  I loathe the way I look, yet I am too lazy to do anything about it.  I lack drive, motivation, and I got too comfortable.  I look at myself through a glass where I see the most hidious person looking back at me, and I want to be strong I want to conquer it, but I can’t.  I’m weak and beaten.

He left me.  I needed that wake up call.  That kick in the face to wake me up from a drunken stupor I was living in.  Every day I would drink.  It was a one way relationship.  I got nothing in return from him except “good company”.  I want to be more.  I want to mean more to someone one day.  I have to accept myself the way I am.  I have to see a beautiful me, or else no one else will.

I want to be a beautiful me.

In the world of bipolar, I am at the crossroads.

Where I will go, I know not.

Empowerment after a Break-Up

So I was literally “gutted” when we broke up.  I cried everywhere. everyday.  My was heart was torn and ripped apart.  Then something happened.  A light in my body shining brighter than it ever has.  A freedom that I can’t express.  I want to do things.  I am looking into a culinary school to learn some new cooking skills.  I started a diet it took me two years to think about.  Let’s face it, I don’t love myself that’s why he couldn’t love me.  Embracing my self worth has always been difficult.  I feel like I have none.

But not today.  Today I will stand up and say yes I am beautiful.  Yes I have this bipolar that throws me for a loop sometimes, but I won’t allow it to sink me deeper into depression. I tried that route.  Wednesday I went to a bar alone and tried to drown myself in alcohol because the pain was so bad.  Then I met a guy (I have no interest in dating).  He made me feel beautiful the way he was flirting with me.  This made me realize, I CAN get someone else if I really wanted to.  Even as fat and ugly as I feel now.  I also realize, he could have just been some creep that hit on every woman, but at that moment I felt wanted and now empowered.

Today is a new day, filled with such opportunity and promise.  And as I slowly pick up the pieces of my heart that were shattered and destroyed, I realize to myself that I am stronger than this, this will not break me.  Once you break a bone, it grows back even stronger than it was.

I loved him and was able to love.  I opened my heart to another individual and learned valuable lessons from him and will be forever grateful.

Live for today.  I am alone now, yes.  But alone isn’t the end of the world.  Time to focus on my career and myself, and become the woman in the mirror looking back at me that I can learn to love and admire.

Thanks to the bloggers who reached out to me and gave me advice.  It was so valuable and precious to me, and for those of you suffering heartache, there is life after death of a relationship.  There is so much life.  Just open your eyes and your heart and you will see it.

If I can conquer it, you can too.  Anything is possible.

Gutted…

So I am gutted.  The insides are on the out.  I just spent the last hour crying in the bathroom stall at my job.  I thought I had this beat.  But it keeps gutting me.  He broke up with me.  He said he probably will never love me.  What more is left to be said.

My bipolar is fucking with me.  I am riding this high and low that “normal”  people don’t feel.  I know you are supposed to grieve during a break up, but this is literally gutting me.  I just tried to eat and I almost threw it up.  Food tastes like ash.  I loved you so deeply and you don’t feel anything for me.  Ouch.  I invested two years of my life.

I knew it was wrong.  I hid behind you.  I would only saw you once a month because it was easier not to have to dress up every day to see you because let’s face it I am hideous without any makeup and a salon appointment.  You haven’t kissed me in almost a year.  And yet I stayed.  We never had sex.  And yet I stayed.  I hid behind you.  I never went out and socialized because I feel I am too fat and ugly.  I never met your parents or your friends.  Because I didn’t want to.  I am too fat and ugly to meet anyone you know.  I haven’t seen my high school friends because they are all gorgeous and married and I am fat and ugly.  This is my life.  This is how I feel.

I didn’t love myself that’s why you left me.  I am my own worst critic.  I look in the mirror and want to smash it that’s how ugly I am.  You didn’t leave me because I was ugly.  You wouldn’t have stayed two years if I turned you off so much.  It is me.  It starts with me.  It ends with me.

I wish I knew the art of self love.  I wish I could walk around with my head high.

I am lost.

I am alone.

I am bipolar.

My Boyfriend of 2 years Broke Up With Me Tonight

So its over. He told me tonight that he will probably never love me.  Ouch.

I met him on Eharmony.  That worked for me.  On an intellectual level we really connected.  But intimately we just didn’t connect.  It just wasn’t there.   I tried to fool myself for two years, thinking foolishly that he will grow to love me.  I think he did too.  I think he really wanted to try to force himself to love me that’s why he waited so long to tell me.

I feel so many emotions right now.  I cried for about two hours.  But I don’t really feel anything right now.  I feel horrible about myself.   I think I am fat and ugly.  I used to tell him this all the time.  That contributed to his “unlove” for me.  Men really don’t want to hear that you feel so bad about yourself.  They also secretly want drama and a challenge.  That’s what he said.  He has loved people that never loved him back.  Men like a challenge.

We always want what we don’t have.  I loved him soooo much.  I loved him when I woke up.  I loved him when I went to sleep.  But he didn’t love me.  He didn’t feel for me.  And for two years I tried to fool myself and think that he would change.  That maybe he would. He never did and he never will.  If it isn’t there it isn’t there.  Accepting it is the hardest part.  I tell myself that if I was more beautiful he would love me.  That probably even isn’t it.

My conclusion.  Men don’t know what the fuck they want.  Fuck them.  I will be alone for a very long time now.  I know I will.  Fuck men.  Time to work on me.

Wondering about this thing called “Life”

The universe.  We are all in it.  Having a bipolar mind, I touched all sorts of extremes that took me beyond this universe.  So since I traveled on my journey, and had to come back this so called “normal life” the days aren’t exciting.

Someone once told me the internet can be viewed as a single entity.  Where is flows and has a particular mood like we do.  What will my words do when I add them out into the internet?  Will its mood change too?

Depression that cripples me, drunken stupors that dominate me, is this what life is?  What are aliens saying when they look at us?  Are they afraid to come back?  Or did humans just make up the whole ideas of aliens in their heads as part of their psychosis?

Sir Issac Newton, Leonardo Da Vinci.  Now they had some ideas.  I wonder what they would blog about.

Can’t hold a single thought.  Its all flowing from all over the place.  Grant me strength.

May praying help?  Who would I be praying too?  Is Jesus in my heart?  What would he think of the world today.  All the texting and hectic escapades the human race just scurries along and does.

We are rats you know.  In one big experiment.  I feel trapped.  Going in circles.  That one person holding the cheese going, “come on have another drink.”

Alcoholics Anonymous.  Man all that preachy shit they teach.  I can’t get on board with some of their ideas.

Empowerment, please grant me some.  I have never felt more alone now in my life than I ever have.

The earphones with no music

The car with no engine

The phone with no reception

The paycheck with no money

The heart with no soul.

This is my abyss.  This is my life.