Depression kicking my ass……

head-in-handsIts kicking my ass today.  I am stuck in a mode where I don’t know what this life is.  I am so lost.  I have everything.  Well not everything.  But as I am burning my Tibetan incense for some peace, I am playing so many things in my head.  Bipolar is the least of my problems.  I haven’t felt bipolar in years.  Or maybe that’s not true either because I get really manic at night where I am so hyped I can’t sleep.

Just a mess of confusion.  And as I lay here in bed with my laptop on a beautiful sunny afternoon, I am oblivious of the world around me.  Trapped in my own head.  Swirling thoughts.  Boredom.  Laziness.  Is this what life is?  Most people’s answer is “go out and take a walk, you will feel better.”  I am crippled.  I am paralyzed.  In my head that is.  I often wonder what a person in a wheelchair would give to be able to walk, and I think of what strength they have.

My problems seem so petty to those suffering much more than me.  But yet here I am trapped.  Paralyzed.  Crippled.  I am gutted.  I feel my insides on the outside.  I want to be seen.  I want someone to see me.  Hear me.  I am screaming at the top of my lungs with no answer.  Hopeless, helpless.

Help me.  God.  Help me.

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Faith, In One Self – The True Self

faithFaith.  Such a hard concept.  I have been writing drafts of posts the past two weeks but never was able to put my thoughts down properly.  I fell into a depression after I realized the soldier in my life was never coming back online.  How quick I am to say never.

Having and all or nothing attitude has been my downfall, because I don’t have faith.  Faith in my self. The true self.  We can say anything about God or what it means to have faith, but if we mask it with words and don’t really feel it in our hearts, who the heck are we suppose to be fooling or trying to convince?

The soldier came back.  And it was like it was before, he smiled and laughed and just couldn’t stop staring at me on cam.  I really never thought I would see him again.  And it wasn’t the same.  Something is missing.  Maybe it was the initial joy of it all, that somehow fell flat the second time I saw him.  But oh he was still handsome as ever!

So I am going to take a leap of Faith.  Through my depression comes light.  Somehow or some way, I know this man came into my life.  I have to slow down though.  I am speaking in terms of forever to a man I hardly know.  But here I am. jumping on my faith.  I am smart enough to know when to hold back.  The thing about it is, I have never felt beautiful and he makes me feel oh so beautiful.

But Faith.  What is it?  It was National Suicide Week last week and I thought about how I tried to commit suicide and failed.  I was saved.  I jumped in to see how far the rabbit hole goes, and it was a deep one.  I often wonder about this life and the next.  Will my True Self make it to the next life?  Or the next dimension?  Or will I just be a shadow of a person I once was.  Who is God anyway?  What does he mean to me.  The depression is sneaking in again, as I miss my soldier.  Our time is so short.  Just like our time on this Earth.

Have faith.  Just have faith.

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Part of a Letter…..

Handwritten letterSo this blog is somewhat a part of a diary I am keeping.  Since my writing has been messed up lately because of all the meds, I am going to write something I may never get to mail. As I spoke to my soldier, I told him I would write to him.  I may never see him online again so I just wanted to write this to remind myself of what I felt today.

Dear C,

You have no idea what coming to my life has done.  What it has shown me.  God brought you to me, oh my angel.  I close my eyes and see your smile and I cry.  Moments like this happen once in a lifetime.  I am prepared that I will never see your smile again, but the time of love and laughter we shared was timeless.

You will be with me forever and always,  Our time capsule sealed forever in an ocean of love.

You opened my heart.  Of course I wonder what it would be like to hold you.  Have a real solid kiss.  You know a long passionate one.  I love you,  Wherever you are.  It feels so good to have an open heart.  To allow myself to love again without no expectations.  I am just freeing my love out there for the world to see me in all my nakedness.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

If I never see you again, I will never forget the gift you gave to me.  You made me so beautiful and a man out there will see me.  Maybe it will be you.  But even if it isn’t at least I know its possible.

I love you.



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A Moment in Time, A Love Story with a Soldier

115 Love & Romance WallpapersWell I outdid myself this time. My darkness has lifted.  This angel lifted me. After the past few months of dating disasters and online exploits to find my one and only true love, I think I may have actually experienced it. Some of you may not know, but I have a very naughty and “adult” side to myself.  I visit adult chatrooms and show off my “goods” to all the hungry on-lookers. Most are men but there are some women too.  One even complimented my nails as I was massaging my boobs on cam.  All this is done with me not showing my face of course. Cause God forbid someone would recognize me!

Among all the nonsense and lewd comments being thrown my way, which used to make me horny but for some reason started to feel empty and not fulfilling anymore, there was a couple of messages from a soldier from Afghanistan,  He said I made his day and that I was beautiful.  They don’t have access to porn over there. so this sex chatroom was the most action he was getting.  Now he could be totally full of shit and not be a soldier from Afghanistan but I said what the heck and messaged him after I left the room.

We talked on cam.  Me fully clothed and him as well.  We had an amazing three hours together, and for that short time I felt what love could actually be like..  Mind you this started with him staring and leering at my naked breasts, but I had one of the best times I have ever had with this man.  His kindness, his warmth and oh my god that smile of his. So genuine.

My escapades the past few months through all the empty online sex, through all the pitiful first dates where I was rejected, and even the online guys who blocked me simply because I was too nice or just plain stupid and opened my heart up to quickly, this is a moment in time I will never forget.  A real spiritual moment.  I called him my soulmate, which is probably wrong of me and probably got me blocked, but it was love at first sight over the cam.  You are thinking this is nuts right?  Well I have A LOT of experience in the online dating world so I know what I feel and no one can tell me otherwise.  I know what I felt. This man.  This soldier, a million miles away in a battered country reached out to me and I aroused him physically and mentally.  Even the real me was arousing to him.  Where the dates I had rejected me and threw me aside, not knowing my full potential.

A moment in time with a soldier, will be forever in my memory.  He said he would come back online, but he is late and I think he won’t show.  But its alright.  I know now love exists.  It is out there, and can be found in the most unlikely of places.  God is with me always, even in my sinful ways and devious acts.  He showed me infinite mercy and saw me in my empty state and sent this angel to brighten my day.

He may be married.  He may be lying about everything.  But the smiles and the laughs we shared for those three hours made me believe.  I am a believer.  I believe I am beautiful. The world is filled with endless people and human beings longing to connect.  I may never see my soldier again, but the love I felt and the harmony that was exchanged was priceless, timeless.  Like those chick flicks we see.   So many people running around, just a moment, a precious moment and you can see what this life is.

To my soldier, we may never see each other again, but thank you.  Thank you for showing me that God can find me in the most darkest sinful places and shine bright a soul that I can connect with and brighten my soul for a brief moment in time.  I will be forever grateful.

Tonight I sleep with a smiling soul and heart.


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Twists and Turns, Depression, Dating and New Horizons

sunAndShoreSo I have recently fallen out of despair.  The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster.   So many tears wept, and fighting with my inner light.  My essence has been reaching out to me for me to take care of myself.  My higher power was saying, “No this is not right.” After being rejected several times, I had hit a new low.  Lowering myself to men.  Giving into those that would just use me for sex.  All was done online, but there are those that I actually considered meeting and just fucking.  Hey at least they thought I was attractive.  I even contacted the last man I had sex with 4 years ago.  The married man.  God someone slap me.

I was feeling amazingly guilty, that God was going to punish me.  Or He was punishing me. But I was punishing me.  Engaging in these activities took the power away from me.  I control me.  No one else does.  I have taken life by the reigns and I am headed in.  I am going to my first Star Trek Meet up Group tomorrow.  No one will know me.  I have been a member for 9 years but never went to one meeting cause I thought I was too fat and ugly to go.  I have struggled so long with so many things, and now I am taking a leap to meet new people.  I am also going to meet one of the guys that didn’t reject me there.  We haven’t officially “met” but I think with both of us struggling with Depression, going out and meeting new people and discussing a common interest we both love and have will be a good experience.  I am going into this with no expectations.  Just gonna meet some good folks and talk Trek.  No one would guess I am a Trekkie.  But I am.  I love it.

So no more despair.  No more being punished by God.  Just forgiving myself and moving forward.  That’s all I can do.  Loving myself more.  That’s all I can do.  Love life.  Let your spirit guide you.  Only YOU can control you.  No one else can.  For those that are struggling you are worth it.  I have seen my share of darkness.  Time for some light.

Stay tuned.

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Despair in the Face of the Third Rejection

Head in HandsSo I really put myself out there.  One after the other I leaped headfirst into the dating pool. It took its toll today.  Between last night and today has been utter despair.  Just crying and crying nonstop.  I have major self esteem issues, but when you are rejected it hurts even more.  Having it happen three times in a row is heartwrenching for me.  My last date was the worst. I really liked the guy, but I was too fat and ugly for him.  Men don’t look at me in the streets.  I take really good pictures but when they see me in person they are immediately disappointed.

I have fallen into despair.  Last night I was suicidal, that’s how bad it got.  I really think I am the fattest ugliest person on the planet, and I will never find love.  What the fuck do these guys want?  I always hear the bullshit story how nice guys finish last, but what about the nice girls?  These bitches always get the men and the douchebags always get the girl. It shouldn’t be this hard but for me it is.  I was told I have the warmest eyes and nicest smile that was ever seen.  Yeah.  OK.  But that hot piece of ass is what you want to date but not me.  I am so sick of it.

Fuck this planet.

Fuck this Earth.

Fuck these Humans.

I don’t belong here.  I never did.

The fact of the matter of it is, I don’t love myself.  People always say love yourself first. But how do you love yourself, when the world sees you as a fat and ugly thing?  I might as well be Shrek running around out there, and he even found someone.  This life is getting tired. The one man who ever truly loved me, cursed me.  I broke his heart and he said no man will ever love me again.  And for 16 years no man ever has.

I have never truly been in love.

I wish I could end it all, but I don’t have the guts for it.

However,  I am going to take a break.  Get off those dam dating sites because those people want god knows what.  This may sound like such a negative post, but I really was doing great.  This was a wonderful summer.  I really had a good time.  I had swallowed the fact that I would alone forever.  I never thought a man would come into my life.  But these guys gave me hope then utterly shattered it.  I am done.  For a long time.  I have my best friend, my ex, who I think is my soulmate but doesn’t want to get back together.  We never had sex, and I don’t think sex and relationships are for me.  That hand hasn’t been dealt.

I am done.

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In The Midst of Chaos

Originally posted on Navigating Bipolar 1:

So the last day and a half has been full of talk about mental illness and suicide in the wake of the death of Robin Williams. Like everyone, I know him, I have laughed and cried during his movies. And I have seen some of what he has gone through off screen. There are several things that have been on my heart about this. 

First, people with mental illness live with it everyday. It isn’t just tragic and hard when someone can’t take the pain anymore and takes their life. The pain is there on a daily basis for many people. It’s constant to be wondering if what you are thinking is true or if it is part of the illness. 

Second, people want to talk about mental illness only when something tragic happens, a musician or movie stars suicide, or someone shoots up a school or movie theatre. Maybe…

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