Embracing The Light in the Face of Rejection

embracing the lightSo, its 1:45 a.m., day three after our second date that I thought went well ended.  He saw how fat and ugly I was the second time around. The first date was great but he saw how ugly I was the second time that’s why he rushed through it. I tried to make it as nice as possible, by taking him to the park, playing the flute for him, and trying just to be the best I could be for him. But he decided to be an asshole. Or I was just so hideous that the second date was too much for him. Well fuck him. I am beautiful.

Very conflicting isn’t it? Well, I will get back to that.

Today was the most perfect day. I spent it with my sister and my mom. We went to the beach and I swam a bit in the ocean. I laid on the sand and just listened to the waves. Then we went to dinner and I enjoyed some wine and some girl talk. Then we walked around the mall they have there and I bought an amazing purse. It has a lot of “bling” on it. Its awesome! Then we went to the mall by my house and I picked up an amazing pair of sandals to go with the purse. I guess its time to get my toes done too. Then we went home together and tried on clothes and laughed about life and everything. They talked me into going to a family reunion next week, which I thought I was too ugly and fat to go to. But not anymore.

The point is my friends, life is showing me something.  It is giving me positive gifts and helping me to embrace the light. I have such horrible self image issues and now they are slowing starting to subside, because yes God I am paying attention. Thank you for showing me God. Thank you for helping with some of the answers. I am not at 100% confidence or even 50% but I am a hell of a lot better than I was before. Maybe the guy just changed his mind and it wasn’t me. Maybe he is busy. Who knows? Whatever the reason is I won’t let his rejection destroy me. I am strong. I am beautiful. God thank you for helping me to embrace the light.

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First Date…..YIKES!!!

first dateSo its about 1pm now and my date doesn’t start till 7pm.  How the heck did I get into this mess?  For someone like me with so many self esteem issues this is really hard.  The guy I know is harmless, cute and just a nice person, (well from his emails anyway).  But for me personally, I am freaking out because I would love this to work out.

Its kind of an amazing story.  So there I was on OkCupid after not being there for a month, I decide to write a few messages.  And what do you know, no response!  Am I that ugly, geez!  I don’t usually send messages but what the fuck do these guys think.  Do they think they are better than me or something?  Well whatever, after being frustrated the hell outta that, I log back in hours later and check my Visitors List.  I never do this.  I usually just ignore it.  But today something told me not to.  And there he was, MusicMan, in my Visitors List.  I read his profile and he seemed so nice!  Very articulate, very well written profile, and a very long profile with lots to say.  I love profiles like that, because that means he took the time and energy to come up with a nice description about him and his life. Anyway, I’m there staring at the screen thinking why didn’t he message me?  So I said screw it, what did I have to lose, so I messaged him a quick hello basically indicating that I saw he visited and I am sorry he didn’t like what he read/saw but to give me a second chance because I read his profile. really liked it, and think we can hit it off.  And what do you know!  He messages me!  He says he saw my profile and really wanted to send a message but he was at work and wanted to wait to get home so he could send me a well thought out message.  Nice!

Now here is where my heart gets going.  He lives 26 miles away from my little town.  But he knows a cafe right in my town that he visits twice a month for an open mic night and performs there.  Now you have no idea of a coincidence this is.  I mean I live in NYC. There are hundreds upon thousands of little cafes where you can go play.  Why my town? And why the cafe in the town where I literally pass every day, and is a block away from the program I’m in?  When he told me the place I knew exactly where it was and it just blew me away.

So we are emailing back and forth for two days and everything is going great.  Very long, funny witty well thought out emails being sent from both parties.  Then he tells last night that one of his coworkers suffered a major loss of a seven week old baby.  Everyone at his job was so devastated for him because he was so close with everyone there.  So MusicMan, being as sensitive about things was very torn up by this.  So he says, look, your emails bring light to my dark day, and I could really use a fun night out with music, laughs and an all around awesome good time.  How was I to say no?  I mean they say you shouldn’t wait too long to meet someone online anyway.  Just do it and get it over with like a band-aid. But with my self-esteem issues I usually like to wait a while.

However, I feel I can be there for him.  Laugh talk and enjoy a nice time out.  Its been so long since I have been on a fun first date so I think I could really use this too.  I just wish 7pm would get here soon though!  This waiting is killing me.  I am so so nervous.  I told a friend and she said don’t expect anything.  But I really like him.  Ok, Ok, No expectations. Breathe!

Wish me luck!


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Stillness and Enchantment

cloudsStillness.  Can we do it?  I can’t meditate.  I have never been able to.  Racing thoughts, so many things I’m thinking about running through my mind.  I blame the dam internet.  The damn Paltalk I am addicted to.

My group therapy started.  And there were a couple of groups on meditation and spirituality.  Its a very good program.  But as I sat in one meditation group I couldn’t get into it.  I was into it for about 10 minutes but the last 35 minutes were so excruciating. Then I thought to myself it wasn’t me, it was the clock I was so concerned about.  I was being timed and I wanted to go home.

So today, I went outside in the backyard of my house with the intention of reading some WordPress posts and listening to some New Age tunes on this wonderful commercial free internet radio app called Earbits, where its all independent artists (which is just fine because I am not crazy about mainstream stuff anymore).  Anyway, I’m out there on a swing listening to this New Age music and I decide I am just going to swing for a bit and just listen to the tunes.

Then something happened.  Stillness.  Enchantment.  Enlightenment.  I stopped swinging and listened to the music and the environment around me, (the volume was on low).  I saw the clouds above me.  My eyes closed and opened slowly as I took it all in.  Birds flew by as I concentrated on this one cloud and watched it move slowly through the sky with the wind.  The Earth stopped.  I saw little beads of light swirling around as I concentrated on the cloud.  They were like little pieces left from heaven speaking to me.   My eyes were heavy so I closed them and began to swing again.  Then a huge breeze flowed past me and I stopped swinging to feel it.  It was all around me.  The Earth stopped again.  Stillness. Enchantment.

All that I was worried about melted away.  No more obsessing.  No more worrying about some internet people or looking for a man.  No relationship or love making could have given me what I achieved today.  A great epiphany.





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waiting onlineLately, I have been obsessed with a friend of mine.  No its not what you think, its not a guy or anything, but a girl I really connected with.  I crave her attention, I want, I need it.  I’m not a lesbian or anything, but I just really like the talks we have.  She has a very soothing voice, and when we create a private chatroom on Paltalk, I swear I can listen to her talk on the mic for hours.  Its so weird.

I don’t believe in mysticism but this woman has something over me.  And she was telling me about it the other day and I didn’t believe it.  People latch on to her.  Especially men. Men become compulsively obsessed with her.  And beauty has nothing to do with it.  She is a 50 year old woman with 4 daughters and is far from a model.  But she has life experience, knows many languages, have studied many things, and I have learned a lot from her.  I crave learning and communication and I learn so much from this woman.  I love hearing about her life and what is happening to her.  I need to back off.  I feel this power over me, like a spell, I can’t describe it.  I have decided to take a break from Paltalk and create some distance.

Tonight she told me she was very depressed about all that’s going on in her life.  Her daughter got pregnant by a jerk and neither of them were prepared for a baby, so now they are dumping the child on her.  This woman just wants to live the rest of her life now that her daughters are grown.  She is feeling guilty and upset and she is in so much pain because she thinks she is selfish because she didn’t want to take this on.  I can’t say that I blame her, she is being pulled in all these different directions.

Now don’t ask me why she comes online but she does during all of this.  She sends me a message saying she is very depressed and doesn’t want it on my shoulders.  But being a friend I want to help and she won’t let me.  She stopped answering my messages earlier.  It is very frustrating.  I know she needs someone right now but she is shutting me out and I can’t help that.

Its time to take a break from Paltalk.  This is just an online friend, someone I have never met.  I have spent many nights online with her and friends and have seen the obsession people have with her.  Its amazing to watch.  People may not understand it, but I feel it too.  She may be some kind of witch or special person.  My direction toward God has sent me on a path into things I don’t understand.

I will wait till she contacts me.  Until then I am cutting off all contact and staying offline.

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34th Birthday and It’s Time to Make a Change

34th birthdaySo tomorrow it will be two weeks since my 34th birthday.  I had a couple of blog posts prepared but you know how it goes, the words suddenly don’t come.  But sometimes you wake up and realize its just time to make a change.  I have been on Disability for 7 years now.  Its amazing how much time has passed.  But it wasn’t all just lazing around.  I successfully went to college and earned a Business Administration degree.  I also tried to work part-time but that eventually fell through because I was just incapable of handling a job like the one I took.  I always wanted to do Human Resources and this gave me an opportunity to do it, but once my boss realized I had a background in Accounting and Payroll he dumped a bunch of monotonous tasks upon me that sucked the life right out of me.  My sleeping was horrible too.  I have horrible insomnia and I need to be heavily medicated to have a good night’s rest.  Its the worst feeling ever, having to get up and go to work to a job I hated.  Even though it was part time, it was a miserable experience.

So this leaves me with the question, am I capable of working?  I am scared because I don’t know that I am.  It has to be something I love doing, and I am afraid I don’t have the skills to do what I really want to do which is something in TV and Broadcasting.  Why don’t I just go back to school?  Because I’m L-A-Z-Y!!!!!!!  I am so fucking lazy its not even funny.  I want to sleep till 5pm and stay up all night online chatting.  But even that is getting boring. Basically I am just bored with life.  Just bored with everything and wondering to myself is this what life is?  I am fully functional and I have beaten most of the bipolar, and my drinking is almost non-existent.  I mean I am desperate to find the love of my life still, trying all these online avenues, but that hasn’t happened so I am thinking its time to focus on me.

Tomorrow I am going to my counseling center and seeing my therapist.  Before my appointment I am going upstairs to the Third Floor.  Yikes.  I see people coming from the Third Floor that are not all together.  They seemed pretty messed up.  I see them leaving as I am coming for my 3 o’clock appointment.  Are these the people I am considering doing groups with?  I am scared.  I called the head of the program today and she asked me this: “you’re 34 and what are you going to do with the rest of your life?  Just sit home?”  I didn’t have an answer for her.  She is right.  This Day Program would be the best thing for me right now. To find direction.  To find purpose.

Life is so fucking boring I want to just scream.  I get up turn on the internet, go to a chat program and sit there for a few hours. watch tv, then stay up on the chat program all night. I want to be social, I love talking to people.  But talking to real life people who have serious problems as peers is a scary thought.  I remember the Day Program I was in when I left the hospital.  It was awful.  Those people were really fucked up.  I don’t want to be around fucked up people.  Life is fucked up as it is.

But maybe, just maybe, I will find some purpose.

Stay tuned.

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Driving People Away

talk-to-the-hand-230x142So I did it again.  I pushed away another potential friend and companion.  He told a friend to tell me tonight that he wants nothing to do with me and it would be best if I moved on with my life.  With absolutely NO EXPLANATION.  Ouch.  We were chatting on Skype a couple of nights ago, when he suddenly signed off.  I thought it was his internet connection again, but it wasn’t.  I crossed a line.  I don’t know if it is the bipolar in me still or what, that causes people to freak out and leave me, but I am sick of it.

I am tired.  So tired of getting myself emotionally involved with people.  I have friendships and I shouldn’t care about some internet dude, but I do.  About five months ago, this happened to me as well.  Except I didn’t cam chat with him like I did with this guy so it wasn’t as personal.  This was personal.  I saw this person every night on the cam, and I shared my innermost thoughts and feelings.  I was honest and forthcoming.  But it was too much.  I tend to overdo things.  Invest a little too much, share a little too much.

Now I am left with an empty feeling.  It is not really anger.  Just hurt.  He said he hardly knew me.  That’s a hint that I came on too strong.  I wanted him to get the app “Viber” on his phone so we could keep in contact.  I kept bringing it up and pushing the issue because his internet was always going out.  I told him that I basically sign on to the program to look for him because I kind of found what I was looking for.  Too much.  Fuck.  I know.  I thought at first that he had somehow found my blog or had googled me and found something that he didn’t like.  But “I hardly know you” keeps ringing in my head.  I pushed him away.

Just sitting here now.  Lost and even more alone than I was.  I called my best friend.  She said “fuck him”.  That’s what I gotta say to myself.  Fuck him.  He doesn’t want anything to do with me.  I did absolutely nothing to this person and he wants nothing to do with me. Wow.  I can’t seem to wrap my head around it.  No one has ever done this to me before.  I am hurt.  I am lost.  And I’m so alone.

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Stimulating Conversations

social-media-matters1Don’t we all crave this?  I know I do.  How many times have we found ourselves chatting with a dreadfully boring person?  Boring people are bored.  Constantly saying “I’m bored”, but they are so dreadfully boring themselves.  They just have absolutely nothing to say. Its like you are trying to reach out to them so that they will say SOMETHING to engage you in.  I have been chatting online for years, and no one has come close to my ex, (we met on Eharmony but we constantly chatted on the phone before meeting).  My ex is a great conversationalist even though he would have you believe he is otherwise.  Humble.  Oh so sexy.

But I digress.  Since my ex I haven’t found stimulating conversations online.  Until two days ago.  (Now mind you this little connection is only two days old and he may just vanish before anything really happens).   He is from Australia.  I am in NY.  He is 25, and my 34th birthday is next week.  Sounds like a bunch of red flags right?  WRONG.  Since my ex I haven’t made a connection like this with someone.  And it isn’t even in a romantic nature. He is not just staring at me on cam and telling me how nice I look or how big my boobs are, he is watching me as I am talking, (cam chat), listening intently, and contributing fully to the conversation.  He is so young.  I would never talk to anyone his age.  Because they “type lik dis” and it is really annoying.  Text type is like the worst for me to handle.  I hate it so much.  I hate is with a passion.  Not only does this kid use complete and whole sentences, but when he speaks its so eloquent and clear.  Plus he is cute and the Aussie accent is to die for!  He also thinks I’m beautiful.  With my fat and all.  And when we cam chat, I’m not wearing any makeup and I am at my ugliest.  THAT is the most wonderful part.  Being able to just be me.

Anyway, I am not getting my hopes up, but this experience has made me realize there are so many people out there who don’t know how to carry on a conversation.  They have nothing interesting to say or to contribute.  The “so what’s ups” and “what are you doing now” questions are like pulling teeth.  I am so fucking sick of it.  Read a book, go outside, have an adventure.  Tell me about your life and what your views are.  Don’t just sit there and tell me you’re bored.  I used to think it was me.  That I was the boring one.  Then Aussie guy came along and proved that I was just dealing with the wrong people.  Who knows?  Maybe this connection will last a lifetime.  All I know is that I’m excited.  Excited for what the next conversation will be.  Excited to engage in the next subject matter out of the vast number of subjects out there.  Finally!  Hope has arrived.

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