The Ones I Want Don’t Want Me……

bdsmIs any one out there running into this?  Am I stuck with the guys who say, “are you into BDSM?”  Obviously that’s what’s been happening to me.  I know I know, I said I was going to take a break from the whole dating haitus but there were some cuties on Plenty Of Fish I recently saw!  And they actually had well written profiles!  But alas, they weren’t interested in me.  I may have sent out just 5 messages, but they were well thought out funny messages!  Can I get a few bites people?

Anyway, I am still in the midst of my break (sort of), with just two days left on my Eharmony subscription.   Yeah, I think its time to let that expire.  Time to say bye bye to R, once and for all.  Somehow he got another message to me.  Usually when its my turn to communicate you don’t have the option to send me another message.  Maybe R. figured out a way.  Creep!

Alas, I guess I will go read some more profiles on POF, and torture myself with the ones who won’t message me back.  I guess I am stuck with the “hey beautiful” and the “heyyyyyyyy what’s up” guys.  Or my friend BDSM guy, who when I asked what he did for fun he replies, “its on my profile”, nice comeback JERK, hope you’re on the receiving end of the BDSM with a whip shoved straight up your ass!

Stay tuned……..

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Breathing Space

Buddha18I think I’ve had enough of this dating game.  I’m definitely tired.  Time for a break. Concentrate my “CHI” on something more positive.   Maybe its time I pick up my flute again.

So, my last encounter didn’t go so well.  I met this guy off of Eharmony and he pissed me off so much that I couldn’t even go through with a first date.  If someone upsets you before you even meet, I would say that’s a problem.

Don’t get me wrong I tried.  I tried to look past the fact that every one of his emails had “my ex did this and she did that”.  Guys look, we really don’t want to hear how bad your ex treated you.  That’s just something you are just going to have to get over on your own.  You need time to heal.  I think the last straw for me was when me and this guy were discussing alone time.  He said “I don’t have that much experience with alone time, I was always with my ex because I had to make sure she wasn’t doing anything sneaky”.   Fuck.  Now this guy will be up my ass 24/7?  No thanks.

Anyway, he had really pissed me off also the night before when he told me he had a problem with my best friend being a guy.  I have a whole post dedicated to that, lol.  But I calmed down and try to look past it, because honestly, I didn’t want to be alone.  But you know when it comes down to it, I would rather be alone than be with someone who will give me grief.  So, after a long warm hearted email about forgiveness and self discovery I ended things in an email.  He in turn took it as “I feel like I’ve just been dumped”.  Even though he ignored everything I said about healing and forgiveness, I guess he got the idea.  Oh well, I hope things works out for him and his next match and he takes the things I said into consideration.

Anyway, its time for a break.  Time to sit with my friend bipolar and have a drink.  Cheers everyone!

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5 A.M. And Pissed the Hell off…….

So yeah, 5 a.m.  and I am still fucking mad.  Eharmony you set me up with a doozy this time.  This guy seriously doesn’t know who he is dealing with.  No wonder people are angry and bitter at online dating.  Girls and guys.

So this guy I met on Eharmony has MAJOR trust issues.  He was cheated on, and his ex-wife did a number on him.  Look my best friend is a guy.  Get over it.  He tells me this long sob story in an email about how his wife did this and his ex did that.  Apparently he got burned by two untrustworthy women.  So how the fuck is that my problem now?  I basically told this guy he doesn’t belong on a website looking for love if he has all these trust issues and excess baggage.  Really, honestly, I wasn’t really into him anyway because he comes with a 7 and an 11 year old.  I don’t want to sign up for that.

So I should be happy, but why am I so fucking mad?  Is it the bipolar in me?  I don’t know. Maybe cause this douche thought he could tell me who my friends could be, and I will be forever haunted by what his exes did.  His last line was classic:

“I am sorry if I am making this hard but I don’t know anymore. How can I know if someone is not lying and being sneaky?”

Boo hoo.  Cry me a fucking river.  Really?  Here’s a clue, get to know someone before you get involved too heavily with someone.  Even then they still might cheat.  Men cheat. Women cheat.  Its just what we do.  Granted that’s not me because I have never cheated or have been cheated on.  But damn.  I told him he should find himself first and be comfortable in his own skin before he decides to look for a girlfriend.  I don’t like being put on the spot, or questioned or fucking told what to do.

Oh well, I guess I will be alone forever.  33 and ticking.  Time for another drink.  Fuck.

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Milestone….The Good The Bad and the Bipolar

Centenarian birthday candles spell out '100'So I hit a milestone.  My 100th follower.  To most that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but to me it is.  I have rambled on here on and off for a year now, and it actually looks like some people are reading my “ramblings of a lunatic mind”.  What do I have to say about that?

The reality is this.  11:25 pm on Sunday night hoping a guy from Eharmony emails me back.  Maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s tired, maybe he thinks this bitch is crazy.  I have shared a lot of myself with this person the past few days, and even flirted with the notion that he might be “The One”.  I have spent the last two hours reading the blogs of several individuals who are in the online dating pool like I am, and there have been some good happy endings and horror stories.  What is with our generation anyway?

They call this generation the generation of the Millennials.  I am barely one, (flaunting my 1980 badge at you).  I was born right on the dot of the age of the Millennials apparently. But here I am age 33 and the clock is ticking.  I have no potential boyfriend and I am not getting any younger.  I thought online dating was for the sad and desperate.  Well I have been sad and desperate on and off for the past 10 years and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere.

Maybe I should go outside?  Nah, too hard.  I am too fat to be around normal people.  Yeah I said it.  Two hundred pounds.  That’s a mountain.  I wish I could do something about it, but the damn bipolar keeps getting in my way.   I want to throw away all the medication and become fucking manic again so I have the energy to lose this weight.  The Haldol mellows me out.  Yeah I’m not a lunatic anymore but I am FUCKING lazy!  I realize I should have capitalized LAZY, but I chose the word fucking instead.  Subliminal messaging right there….hidden meanings…..twist and turns….this feels like a date.

Dating, where do I even begin to climb that mountain.  Hair, makeup, I will probably have to separate my eyebrows.  Fuck.  I haven’t dated anyone since my horrible date in November.  Six months since my last date?  Has it been so long?  Fuck.  Again.  I don’t know how to approach this.  What do I do?

Well back to being bipolar.  Think I will pour myself a drink.  Fuck it.

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Exercise and Dating…….

Exercising_While_WorkSo, you’ve got that treadmill in the office huh?  Not me of course.  That seems a little ridiculous.  Anyway, I wondered what it would be like if I got my hot body back.  You know that little vixen from my 20′s.  Most of my posts on here have been how miserable I am, how fat I am, how dating is a mess, blah, blah, blah, cry me a fucking river!  LOL. Haven’t you people heard enough of that shit?  I know I’m tired of writing about it.

Well the online dating world has been slow and dead.  I am still on Paltalk, meeting a bunch of characters in the chatrooms.  Chatrooms to find a mate.  Damn I am scraping the bottom of the internet barrel!  I mean the horniest, dumbest, feeble minded imps seem to be on this site.  How beautiful I am (the pictures being old and all dressed up and pretty), how sexy I am, do I want to see them cum, do I want to see their dick.  Oh and it doesn’t end there.  I can go on for hours at how lame these men in these chatrooms are.  So, I think its time to take a break.  Step back for a few days, maybe even a few weeks.  I don’t need to subject myself to that type of dribble to have a good time.

What about going outside and dealing with the 3D world.  You know hang with the vertical people?!  Yeah right.  I like my hole, my room, my darkness, chatting away from the shadows.  Geez, who sounds like the creep now huh?  Anyway, I’m not ready for any of that yet.  This Fat girl needs to shed a few pounds.  I have my exercise routine in a trial mode right now.  I do 10 minutes of Zumba and 10 minutes on the treadmill.  I’m fat give me a break ok, this is all I can handle right now.  I like what my best friend said, set some small goals.  Short term, just to do what I can handle.  If I set the mountain too high, and my expectations ridiculous I will get discouraged and not do it.  Which for the most part is the story of my life.  Being bipolar and manic, I was able to drop 50 pounds in 5 months. That’s the joy of being out of your mind.  You can accomplish anything, and fast!

But now I’m stable and mellow.  The drinking stopped and I am getting my shit together.  I didn’t realize how much my relationship had held me back.  I was drinking every day and was sooo fucked up.  If you read some of my past posts you will see.  My relationship was a disaster for me, so I hope the next one will be better.

On to the online dating.  So I am back on Eharmony.  What a joke.  That site is even worse than it was before.  Now if you make a slip and hit the wrong button they automatically charge your credit card.  What a rip off!  Thankfully every time I hit that button, (which is an easy place to hit) I was able to call in and stop them from charging me another $30.

So the first guy was cool.  We added each other on Facebook and started chatting using their messanger.   This guy is a trip though.  He really thinks I am going to chase after him?  Fuck that.  After several messages that went ignored or took an hour for a response I gave up.  He says he has AFK (away from keyboard) tendancies.   How about he’s not taking it seriously and should grow the fuck up if you want to talk to someone and get to know them better?  I think that’s a better description don’t you?  Anyway, I will leave him on my Facebook another week before I hit “delete friend”.   Its been two weeks since our last chat and I will be damned if I am going to make the first move again.  What a loser.  Do men really expect you to chase them?  Fucking hell.

Anyway, prospect 2 is a nice guy.  Although I signed up for more than I bargained for when I was talking to him.  He has two kids.  Dun dun dunnnn.  (Insert dramatic music here).  I don’t want a man with kids.  I hate kids.  Yeah I said it.  I don’t want any, and I don’t want anyone that has any.  Its just not for me.  I am no motherly type.  I’m selfish, depressed, bipolar, drunk and all around fucked up.  Who wants to expose a kid to that?  Anyway, I am on the fence about him.  He seems nice, but I can’t get his kids out of my head.  I will have to really think about if I want to pursue this.  Anyway, we exchanged several emails so far and I think he is really into me.  Dun Dun Dunnnnnn.  (Insert dramatic music part 2 here).

What to do, what to do?  Well this is my life….

Another bipolar day…….

Stay tuned………

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Being Rejected Every Day

angry girlMy Eharmony account is starting to piss me off.  The guys I am interested in view my profile but don’t contact me.  I am starting to feel rejected on a daily basis.  This is really starting to get to me.  I mean some contact me, but I have no interest in them.  I am just not matching up with anyone.  This is really starting to frustrate me.  I am that unlovable? They shouldn’t tell you who is viewing your profile.  I don’t want to see, I don’t want to know.  And what’s up with them sending me matches without pictures?  UGH.  At least let ME reject someone for the right reasons.

I am aware that this is just a rambling post, and I apologize to my readers.  I needed to get this off of my chest.  Oh yes and a big FUCK you to all those people in relationships that feel the need to shove your love down everyone’s throat.  We don’t need to know you’re so in love on facebook, we don’t need to see you’re in love on a fucking psychological forum where people go who have problems.  RANT RANT RANT.  I am so fucking upset, jealous and annoyed at the world.  Screw you and your love.  I don’t need to see it in my face.

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Desperate Guys and FAT Girls Trying to Date

fat girl 2Kind of a loaded opening statement I know, but let me clarify. Besides being so fucked up and Bipolar, I recently joined Eharmony and it has been a pleasant experience so far. However I ran into my first desperate guy tonight.  So, I’m west indian and I like white guys.  Sue me, its a preference. I guess I would date an Indian guy, but if he was incredibly Americanized as me. Maybe that’s racist, I don’t know, but fuck it, I’m entitled to my opinion and what I want is what I want. Anyway, being on this site has taught me one thing.  And that is patience.  SLOW THE FUCK DOWN DUDE.  Seriously. Eharmony has a set-up I like a lot, they go through these steps of communicating where you can find a lot about a person before you actually start being all creepy and fucked up with sending private messages and emails.  I guess I can be positive and say all the emails I will receive won’t be creepy and fucked up, but some of the messages I have been hearing about women getting from men on lets say OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish are down right scary.  I don’t envy you ladies!

Anyway, back to the Indian dude.  Yeah you’re Indian and I am West Indian, do you think because I am the same as you, you can forego the whole process and skip to messaging?? Oh and Mr. Wonderful also has a profile that lists the five things he can’t live without is YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, and YOU.  Do you think that’s cute?  Now granted the five things I can’t live without is my family, my best friend, my laptop, my car and my tv.  Maybe I am the screwed up one.  I don’t know.  But dude seriously just cause I’m Indian and you’re Indian on a site with predominately white and black members doesn’t mean you can start messaging me with marriage proposals because we are the same.  Fuck that.  BLOCK.

Besides that, I am really worried.  My last date with someone from a website (not Eharmony), was a total disaster.  He looked nothing like his picture and I probably looked nothing like my picture to him either.  I am actually very fat.  I plan on telling everyone that I will meet that I am 200 pounds at 5 feet to avoid any confusion.  This will probably lessen my chances, but at least it won’t set me up for a total rejection.  Some of these guys on the website though, are all active.  I mean they are out there snowboarding, jet skiing, rock climbing, hitting the gym every day, and they can’t meet anyone?  Is there any other nerds out there that just chill at home and relax with their TV after work?  That is why I miss D so much.  He was the love of my life.  We were so much alike.  We both love staying at home and watching tv.  He was perfect for me.  I still love him.  And I am out there trying to replace him.  It is soooo not happening.

I really like Eharmony these days though.  Now besides your matches there is a “What if” option that you can look to see matches that are outside your range and preferences.  I am sure they wouldn’t put people there that would totally be different than your preferences though, just someone that maybe didn’t match with all of your criteria.  Which is ok.  The last time I found someone who was exactly like me broke my heart three years later.  Oh D, I miss you.

I guess for now this will be me:

fat girl





(They didn’t even have a fat indian girl graphic, sigh…..maybe I am a rarity)

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