Where to begin? Are you stuck in your life? Does every day feel like like a never-ending cycle of bullshit? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Those are things I have been asking myself for the past 10 years. Things are so much simpler when we are kids. Up is up, right is right, and your best friend likes the same color as you and that makes your day.
Fast forward 33 years, living in my parents house, bipolar and all fucked up, no job, no life, no man, nothing to be proud of. Boy, I didn’t see this coming. What do I do every day you might ask? Well my day sort of goes like this:
Get up at 5pm, brush my teeth, take Nexium so I don’t throw up my food, wait an hour, eat, go on the internet, call my ex-boyfriend who is my only friend in the world right now, watch tv and hang out on the internet till 6am. Repeat cycle. That is my life. Now you may think I am exaggerating, but I am not. At all. That is my life. Yours doesn’t seem so bad does it? Although this is how I live, I have really nothing to complain about, my needs are all met. But it is an endless cycle. A life stuck on repeat. I have heard it all, “get a hobby, learn to cook, exercise, find purpose in your life,” all of that falls on deaf ears. Maybe you don’t understand what its like to have bipolar, but we don’t feel like doing anything! We don’t even want friends.
What do I do on the internet? Well I chat. I love to chat. This is my version of online dating. Go into a chatroom and wait for messages from guys. I am hoping one day I will meet my prince charming this way. Hasn’t happened. Don’t think it will happen, but I am addicted to the hope it may happen. Dating sites. I am on one. Geek 2 Geek its called. Yes I consider myself a geek. Loving Star Wars and Star Trek and obsessed with Lord of the Rings will get you there. Anyway, I finally see someone on the site that I like (he winked at me) and then he never logs back in to check the message I left him. Typical. That’s my life. Find an interesting guy and then he disappears into the night like a phantom. Why do guys do this? Maybe its the same reason I disappear on all of my friends and go hide in my hole? So yeah, back to chatting. So, I chat and the usual questions come up. ”What do you like to do for fun?” Ummm, nothing genius, that’s why my ass is here chatting with you! I love the reasons they give though, “working out, playing sports, fishing, golf”, I always wonder if these guys are so great and athletic, why are they here? Maybe real women don’t pay attention to them so they talk to unattractive fat women (me) on the internet. There I go again with the negative talk, no wonder my ex dumped me.
So how do I start over? How the hell do I do it? Do you want to start over too? Can you tell me how? (The title was cleverly put there so you could read this blog post, see how awesome your life is compared to mine, then you could leave a comment and tell me what to do). LOL! Jokes on you! But no seriously, the key is you have to WANT the change. My life is the way it is, because its what I made it. This is it. I made it so. I have all my needs met. I have no complaints. Yeah sure, I don’t have any fun, but what is fun? A room full of crowded people at a movie or concert, or god forbid a bar? Just drinking your life away hoping to find that special someone? I have read many blog posts about online dating, and it seems like there is nothing but horror stories out there. Fuck that! I will stick to my chatting. LOL. But yeah, I figure I will try a serious website like Eharmony if I ever want to try online dating again. Plenty of Fish, OKcupid, and even Match.com seem like hook-up sites. I’m looking for a husband people! And I have to take a picture that looks like the real me. No more glamour shots. Whoever my next suitor is will have the shock of his life when I show up and I look nothing like my photo. Granted all my pictures are head shots, but that is done on purpose to hide my fat body. Hey at least I’m not a Catfish! (New term for person who uses other people’s photos). By the way, that isn’t anything new because people on AOL have been doing that forever. Yes that’s right. AOL. America Online. I am still stuck in that Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks dream land, where I imagine I will find the love of my life in a “You’ve Got Mail” movie. But I gotta tell you. Newsflash. AOL is horrible. Its like they put the meanest, nastiest scum of the earth on a chat program. Yet I still go. I have tried out Paltalk, and it seems to be a lot better. But all they want to do is cam on there. I’m not a cam person. God forbid they see my fatness! NOOOOO!
Well, I guess I am going to have that world behind soon and join the real world, the world of the living. God, that’s so scary. But I will force myself to. Then and only then can the real change happen. Those exercise tapes that have been gathering dust will have to be put to use. That diet that I have been meaning to go on has to get started.
“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
Time to go out my door. Yes on the road to self discovery. Leave this life behind. Do something, anything different. The power is in my hands. I just have to do it.