Twists and Turns, Depression, Dating and New Horizons

sunAndShoreSo I have recently fallen out of despair.  The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster.   So many tears wept, and fighting with my inner light.  My essence has been reaching out to me for me to take care of myself.  My higher power was saying, “No this is not right.” After being rejected several times, I had hit a new low.  Lowering myself to men.  Giving into those that would just use me for sex.  All was done online, but there are those that I actually considered meeting and just fucking.  Hey at least they thought I was attractive.  I even contacted the last man I had sex with 4 years ago.  The married man.  God someone slap me.

I was feeling amazingly guilty, that God was going to punish me.  Or He was punishing me. But I was punishing me.  Engaging in these activities took the power away from me.  I control me.  No one else does.  I have taken life by the reigns and I am headed in.  I am going to my first Star Trek Meet up Group tomorrow.  No one will know me.  I have been a member for 9 years but never went to one meeting cause I thought I was too fat and ugly to go.  I have struggled so long with so many things, and now I am taking a leap to meet new people.  I am also going to meet one of the guys that didn’t reject me there.  We haven’t officially “met” but I think with both of us struggling with Depression, going out and meeting new people and discussing a common interest we both love and have will be a good experience.  I am going into this with no expectations.  Just gonna meet some good folks and talk Trek.  No one would guess I am a Trekkie.  But I am.  I love it.

So no more despair.  No more being punished by God.  Just forgiving myself and moving forward.  That’s all I can do.  Loving myself more.  That’s all I can do.  Love life.  Let your spirit guide you.  Only YOU can control you.  No one else can.  For those that are struggling you are worth it.  I have seen my share of darkness.  Time for some light.

Stay tuned.

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Despair in the Face of the Third Rejection

Head in HandsSo I really put myself out there.  One after the other I leaped headfirst into the dating pool. It took its toll today.  Between last night and today has been utter despair.  Just crying and crying nonstop.  I have major self esteem issues, but when you are rejected it hurts even more.  Having it happen three times in a row is heartwrenching for me.  My last date was the worst. I really liked the guy, but I was too fat and ugly for him.  Men don’t look at me in the streets.  I take really good pictures but when they see me in person they are immediately disappointed.

I have fallen into despair.  Last night I was suicidal, that’s how bad it got.  I really think I am the fattest ugliest person on the planet, and I will never find love.  What the fuck do these guys want?  I always hear the bullshit story how nice guys finish last, but what about the nice girls?  These bitches always get the men and the douchebags always get the girl. It shouldn’t be this hard but for me it is.  I was told I have the warmest eyes and nicest smile that was ever seen.  Yeah.  OK.  But that hot piece of ass is what you want to date but not me.  I am so sick of it.

Fuck this planet.

Fuck this Earth.

Fuck these Humans.

I don’t belong here.  I never did.

The fact of the matter of it is, I don’t love myself.  People always say love yourself first. But how do you love yourself, when the world sees you as a fat and ugly thing?  I might as well be Shrek running around out there, and he even found someone.  This life is getting tired. The one man who ever truly loved me, cursed me.  I broke his heart and he said no man will ever love me again.  And for 16 years no man ever has.

I have never truly been in love.

I wish I could end it all, but I don’t have the guts for it.

However,  I am going to take a break.  Get off those dam dating sites because those people want god knows what.  This may sound like such a negative post, but I really was doing great.  This was a wonderful summer.  I really had a good time.  I had swallowed the fact that I would alone forever.  I never thought a man would come into my life.  But these guys gave me hope then utterly shattered it.  I am done.  For a long time.  I have my best friend, my ex, who I think is my soulmate but doesn’t want to get back together.  We never had sex, and I don’t think sex and relationships are for me.  That hand hasn’t been dealt.

I am done.

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In The Midst of Chaos

Originally posted on learningtobebipolar:

So the last day and a half has been full of talk about mental illness and suicide in the wake of the death of Robin Williams. Like everyone, I know him, I have laughed and cried during his movies. And I have seen some of what he has gone through off screen. There are several things that have been on my heart about this. 

First, people with mental illness live with it everyday. It isn’t just tragic and hard when someone can’t take the pain anymore and takes their life. The pain is there on a daily basis for many people. It’s constant to be wondering if what you are thinking is true or if it is part of the illness. 

Second, people want to talk about mental illness only when something tragic happens, a musician or movie stars suicide, or someone shoots up a school or movie theatre. Maybe…

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Back in the Thick of Things

dateSo my spiritual path has led me to many different places.  July has been one of the best months in history for me and August is turning out pretty well too.  But its through the Grace of God that I have come this far.

Meeting new people is difficult when you’re a loner.  My relationship with my ex ended almost 2 years ago and yet I still hang on to hope.  He has made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t look at me “that way” and probably never will.  You can’t force someone to love you.  But would I really want to be with my ex anyway?  All I did was give give give in that relationship.  Did many sweet kind things with nothing in return.  It wasn’t his fault, he isn’t as much of a romantic as I am.

Enter in “funny guy”.  Funny guy makes me laugh and talks about a sentimental side that most guys don’t have.  He has had back luck with women and dating and for his 42 years on this planet he has never had a girlfriend.  Now like most people you would think, well what’s wrong with him?  Nothing.  I don’t see a single flaw so far.  I am sure there will be more that I will find out along the way.  Maybe he is just too darn picky.  Maybe he’s looking for sparks and magic right away.  Also he doesn’t want kids or doesn’t want to be with a person who has them.  THAT is a hurtle in itself.

But funny guy makes me think.  I am meeting him in a couple of hours.  I am nervous.  The only thing that’s stopping me from falling head over heels in love with this man is that I still have feelings for my ex and I feel this conflict within me.  I hurried myself off the phone with my ex (calling each other every night and watching tv together has become our thing over the years), and I know that he can sense I am slipping away.  I have dated since the breakup but nothing ever materialized.  My ex hasn’t dated at all, and honestly I would be hurt if he did.  I know that’s selfish, but he did the dumping, and I did most of the hurting. So I hurried myself off the phone and called funny guy.  We talked for another three hours, when the night before we held on for a record 8 hours.  Its been so long since I talked to a guy like that.  That may mean nothing though, one never knows till you meet.

I am extra nervous.  I didn’t go to group therapy today because I wanted to take my time and get really dressed.  The weather is holding out pretty nicely at a cool 75 degrees.  This summer has been amazing.  But how do I really feel about funny guy since my ex has been lingering in my heart for so long.  Now I know I should have just ended things 2 years ago when we broke up, but he is my best friend, my confidant.   Losing our friendship would have been so devastating for me.  But now I am having mixed feelings on this whole thing. I will just go into it with no expectations and then just take a break for a while if it doesn’t work out.

Online dating is nuts.  Man oh man how did I get involved with this again?

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My Relationships, with the Holy and the Mortals

Holding-HandsThings have been going really well for me lately.  I don’t even know who to thank for it. So I will begin with myself.  The strength I put forward despite the Bipolar.  It has crippled me for years, weakened me, destroyed my sense of self and my self acceptance.  But out of the ashes the Phoenix rises.   This may be the best summer I have had in a long time.  Yes I am still fat and miserable and disgusted with my appearance, but that no longer stops me.  I have been ashamed for too long.

Bipolar has kicked my ass.  Especially the depressive part.  I didn’t go to my grandmother’s funeral or anything because I was ashamed at how fat I had become, and I was afraid people would stare at me at how horrible I was.  I still felt some of that as I braved through my family reunion this past Sunday.  It felt good to be out among my family and they were truly happy that I was there.  My cousin looked upset with me though because I did turn my back on all of them for my own selfish reasons.  But that’s the past.  I look to the future now.

Recently things have been happening.  My life was stagnant.  Just stuck in a rut of my own making.  But since joining a Group Program and meeting some wonderful people online, even a potential date (new and blossoming fresh from OKCupid), I have just felt an overall feeling of joy.  I did get rejected a couple of times these past few weeks, but that’s ok too. God is with me.  I haven’t prayed or thanked Him yet, but I know He knows.  Going out and living my life is what He wants for me.  Not to be stuck in a church begging and crying for forgiveness.  We are here to live and love and appreciate life and nature.

No more days hiding in my room.  I made friends to do things with.  I have made a best friend online.  This new guy from OKCupid just happened to fall into my lap right after the one from last week rejected me.  I will be more careful this time.  Relationships take work. The ones with mortals and the Holy.  There are angels watching over me.  God is looking after me.  I am not religious in any way, but I believe there is a force greater than us all guiding us and pushing us toward our destinies.

Life as a bipolar survivor has been a long and tough road.  I am still on meds and disability but that will change soon.  My moods are more stable and I have a much better handle on things than I used to.  I look back and I read some of my previous posts, at some of the dark places I have been in with the alcohol and the monumental sinning.  But if good things can happen to a person like me, good can happen for all of you.  I am a good person with a good heart that smiles a lot more.  A smile can go a long way, and I have a beautiful one because I share in the beautiful smile that shines down on me every day from Heaven.

Namaste, or Amen.

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Interesting Turn of Events

confusedSo I am working on my self-esteem.  The depressive side of the bipolar is slowly fading away.  Thanks to the help of my wonderful mom and sister and even the help of an actual date with a guy from OKCupid.  He wasn’t interested of course, and of course I thought it was because I was fat and ugly.  But that just isn’t the case.  Some people are just not attracted to others for whatever reason.

Since joining the group program my life has changed.  So many doors have opened.  I am sleeping better, and I no longer feel so much dread like I used to.  I also met someone at the group program.  He is cute but I am not head over heels attracted to him.  It would be nice if someone had a crush on me, but that is just too much to hope for.   This new guy like the OKCupid guy seemed interested in me at first then the second time they saw me they changed their minds.  Is it the lighting?  What makes them change their mind about me? That’s something I have been pondering the past few days.

Anyway, this new guy from program I am unsure of.  I am not attracted to him, but I think he would make a great friend.  It feels kind of awkward to me because I have never really hung out with male friends.  And that’s all he looks at me as.  Just a friend, when the other day he thought that something might develop, now he changed his mind.  Seriously, what is it about me?

But tomorrow is my family reunion.  I am going even though I thought I was too fat and ugly to go to anything.  But this time, I don’t know things are different.  Things are definitely different now.  And even though I basically got rejected twice it wasn’t heartbreaking because I wasn’t really attracted to them either.  I guess I will have to wait and see.  Also, the fact that I am kicking this bipolar’s ass, is a huge accomplishment.

Stay tuned,

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Embracing The Light in the Face of Rejection

embracing the lightSo, its 1:45 a.m., day three after our second date that I thought went well ended.  He saw how fat and ugly I was the second time around. The first date was great but he saw how ugly I was the second time that’s why he rushed through it. I tried to make it as nice as possible, by taking him to the park, playing the flute for him, and trying just to be the best I could be for him. But he decided to be an asshole. Or I was just so hideous that the second date was too much for him. Well fuck him. I am beautiful.

Very conflicting isn’t it? Well, I will get back to that.

Today was the most perfect day. I spent it with my sister and my mom. We went to the beach and I swam a bit in the ocean. I laid on the sand and just listened to the waves. Then we went to dinner and I enjoyed some wine and some girl talk. Then we walked around the mall they have there and I bought an amazing purse. It has a lot of “bling” on it. Its awesome! Then we went to the mall by my house and I picked up an amazing pair of sandals to go with the purse. I guess its time to get my toes done too. Then we went home together and tried on clothes and laughed about life and everything. They talked me into going to a family reunion next week, which I thought I was too ugly and fat to go to. But not anymore.

The point is my friends, life is showing me something.  It is giving me positive gifts and helping me to embrace the light. I have such horrible self image issues and now they are slowing starting to subside, because yes God I am paying attention. Thank you for showing me God. Thank you for helping with some of the answers. I am not at 100% confidence or even 50% but I am a hell of a lot better than I was before. Maybe the guy just changed his mind and it wasn’t me. Maybe he is busy. Who knows? Whatever the reason is I won’t let his rejection destroy me. I am strong. I am beautiful. God thank you for helping me to embrace the light.

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