Have you ever watched a candle’s flame? Watch it flicker then remain still. My life is empty. My life is boring. I have everything, yet nothing. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be in someone else’s shoes? Not have your own personal hell but be on an island somewhere?
I am so bored, yet I don’t want to go out. I go for a walk and among the trees and the crisp air of Fall, I feel nothing. Yes I can go out there, but there is nothing out there for me, I am fat, ugly and miserable. My bipolar flame. Sometimes I want it extinguished. Nothing more. No more troubles, no more fears.
This is a rollercoaster, like the the flicker of that candle. It goes slow and then it goes fast. I am feeling all sorts of unnecessary emotions. I have no money these past couple of days. Can’t even go out and have a drink. Fuck. I didn’t budget properly this month. Another sign of failure.
When I started writing this post I was stuck. Now I feel like I have a spear in my chest. He’s working late. Again. The soldier I was totally gaga over ignores me. I am fat, ugly, with a huge gut. I am running around in circles in my head. I am so depressed not even a drink will help. Yeah I can go out, dip into my savings (which are totally depleted) and buy myself a bottle. Then take my meds and go to sleep. Mixing meds with alcohol the past couple of weeks hasn’t been good, although I have been feeling fine.
But today. Today is the worst of the worst. My Bipolar flame is getting lighter and lighter and there is nothing from stopping me from taking all my pills at once and just ending it all. But what does that do? Hurt my family and those who know me. Ending my life is not an option although this rollercoaster and pain in my chest just needs to cease.
Another day for the flame to burn on.