Well I outdid myself this time. My darkness has lifted. This angel lifted me. After the past few months of dating disasters and online exploits to find my one and only true love, I think I may have actually experienced it. Some of you may not know, but I have a very naughty and “adult” side to myself. I visit adult chatrooms and show off my “goods” to all the hungry on-lookers. Most are men but there are some women too. One even complimented my nails as I was massaging my boobs on cam. All this is done with me not showing my face of course. Cause God forbid someone would recognize me!
Among all the nonsense and lewd comments being thrown my way, which used to make me horny but for some reason started to feel empty and not fulfilling anymore, there was a couple of messages from a soldier from Afghanistan, He said I made his day and that I was beautiful. They don’t have access to porn over there. so this sex chatroom was the most action he was getting. Now he could be totally full of shit and not be a soldier from Afghanistan but I said what the heck and messaged him after I left the room.
We talked on cam. Me fully clothed and him as well. We had an amazing three hours together, and for that short time I felt what love could actually be like.. Mind you this started with him staring and leering at my naked breasts, but I had one of the best times I have ever had with this man. His kindness, his warmth and oh my god that smile of his. So genuine.
My escapades the past few months through all the empty online sex, through all the pitiful first dates where I was rejected, and even the online guys who blocked me simply because I was too nice or just plain stupid and opened my heart up to quickly, this is a moment in time I will never forget. A real spiritual moment. I called him my soulmate, which is probably wrong of me and probably got me blocked, but it was love at first sight over the cam. You are thinking this is nuts right? Well I have A LOT of experience in the online dating world so I know what I feel and no one can tell me otherwise. I know what I felt. This man. This soldier, a million miles away in a battered country reached out to me and I aroused him physically and mentally. Even the real me was arousing to him. Where the dates I had rejected me and threw me aside, not knowing my full potential.
A moment in time with a soldier, will be forever in my memory. He said he would come back online, but he is late and I think he won’t show. But its alright. I know now love exists. It is out there, and can be found in the most unlikely of places. God is with me always, even in my sinful ways and devious acts. He showed me infinite mercy and saw me in my empty state and sent this angel to brighten my day.
He may be married. He may be lying about everything. But the smiles and the laughs we shared for those three hours made me believe. I am a believer. I believe I am beautiful. The world is filled with endless people and human beings longing to connect. I may never see my soldier again, but the love I felt and the harmony that was exchanged was priceless, timeless. Like those chick flicks we see. So many people running around, just a moment, a precious moment and you can see what this life is.
To my soldier, we may never see each other again, but thank you. Thank you for showing me that God can find me in the most darkest sinful places and shine bright a soul that I can connect with and brighten my soul for a brief moment in time. I will be forever grateful.
Tonight I sleep with a smiling soul and heart.