Horizons Overhead. Overcoming the Mundane

horizonThe mundane.  The every day.  I lay in bed for hours on end, crippled by my lack of motivation and utter despair.  Brighter days have come.  They are so small that they are not even worth mentioning.  My experiences with the soldier have taught me that I am a beautiful woman that deserves happiness.  Such a hard statement for me to make.

He has finally left my life and as I look back on that chapter, all I can do is smile.  My faith in people and humanity has diminished due to the overwhelming shallow and pretentious individuals that have come into my path lately.  One can only hope in the glimmer of light.

My grandfather passed away last night.  He slowly let my grandmother die last year and he paid for it by spending a year in the hospital and nursing home as a complete vegetable. His body functions were completely healthy but he wasn’t able to speak or open his eyes. The ultimate punishment.  The ultimate revenge.  But there were horizons overhead for him as he passed on to another plane of existence.

My time will come.  But not yet.  Not yet.

He is out there.  He may be on a mountain, like the man I met online last night.  Or he may be in Afghanistan fighting for our freedom like my soldier that has left my life.

I am not alone.

My time hasn’t come to experience the utter true love.  Th real love.  The ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.

When I think about suicide I think what I will be missing out on.  All the experiences I have yet to live.

My time hasn’t come to leave this planet.  Not yet.  Not yet.

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A New Day…..Living with Bipolar and Depression

secret-life-of-walter-mitty-pic-06So on this new chapter of life, I ask the age old question.  How do I shake this feeling?  I am running out of money this month, my manic behavior took over a little bit and I have been over spending, where I shouldn’t be.  Just spent $90 on a manicure!  $90 which I didn’t have to begin with, which was embarrassing to split between my credit card and cash.

But I digress.  Life is mundane.  So meaningless.  With the addition of the Day Treatment Program, I have met new friends and have made some changes.  But the problems are still there haunting me.  Been taking a new approach with the chat scene too.  I took my pictures down off of my profile.  Been chatting completely anonymous now.  What is interesting is that the quality of people are completely different.  No one sending me personal messages like “I like your pic” then the conversation ends there.  Completely shallow.  Completely hollow.  People are empty these days.  Sure I want to know what the person looks like that I’m chatting to, but is it the basis for speaking to someone? When did that become the requirement?  I have my preferences.  I prefer white men.  But I have chatted to all different cultures from all over the world, why is it that looks are the main focus?

Off topic, I do that.  Where were we.  Yes Bipolar.  Ben Stiller has bipolar.  And The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is the quintessence of what we are and what we want to become.  Life. Ahhh.  What a wonderful thing.  It is truly a gift.  And as I watch my inbox of the empty messages on my OKCupid profile, and wondering why the fat man I messaged rejected me too, I wonder about people.  My soldier,  I only see him once every two weeks.  I wonder how he is and where life is taking him the times we are apart.

The low. The mundane.  The days we don’t want to get out of bed.  Hope.  It is for us.  I hold onto it, because I will never have these days of my youth again.  Next month, I will not spend my check on eating out and drinks, but some nutritional foods.  My cholesterol is high.  My psychiatrist and my doctor have been warning me about it for some time now. I have to be careful.  There is heart disease in my family and my 42 year old cousin died of a heart attack and my Dad is a three time heart attack survivor with a whole bunch of metal in his chest.

I have to make some choices.  I can’t sit in bed and let it come to me.  I am not 24 anymore.  I am 34.  Ten years.  Where did it go?  I can’t lay in bed for another 10 years.  I can’t.  I won’t.

Hmmm.   I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

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Depression kicking my ass……

head-in-handsIts kicking my ass today.  I am stuck in a mode where I don’t know what this life is.  I am so lost.  I have everything.  Well not everything.  But as I am burning my Tibetan incense for some peace, I am playing so many things in my head.  Bipolar is the least of my problems.  I haven’t felt bipolar in years.  Or maybe that’s not true either because I get really manic at night where I am so hyped I can’t sleep.

Just a mess of confusion.  And as I lay here in bed with my laptop on a beautiful sunny afternoon, I am oblivious of the world around me.  Trapped in my own head.  Swirling thoughts.  Boredom.  Laziness.  Is this what life is?  Most people’s answer is “go out and take a walk, you will feel better.”  I am crippled.  I am paralyzed.  In my head that is.  I often wonder what a person in a wheelchair would give to be able to walk, and I think of what strength they have.

My problems seem so petty to those suffering much more than me.  But yet here I am trapped.  Paralyzed.  Crippled.  I am gutted.  I feel my insides on the outside.  I want to be seen.  I want someone to see me.  Hear me.  I am screaming at the top of my lungs with no answer.  Hopeless, helpless.

Help me.  God.  Help me.

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Faith, In One Self – The True Self

faithFaith.  Such a hard concept.  I have been writing drafts of posts the past two weeks but never was able to put my thoughts down properly.  I fell into a depression after I realized the soldier in my life was never coming back online.  How quick I am to say never.

Having and all or nothing attitude has been my downfall, because I don’t have faith.  Faith in my self. The true self.  We can say anything about God or what it means to have faith, but if we mask it with words and don’t really feel it in our hearts, who the heck are we suppose to be fooling or trying to convince?

The soldier came back.  And it was like it was before, he smiled and laughed and just couldn’t stop staring at me on cam.  I really never thought I would see him again.  And it wasn’t the same.  Something is missing.  Maybe it was the initial joy of it all, that somehow fell flat the second time I saw him.  But oh he was still handsome as ever!

So I am going to take a leap of Faith.  Through my depression comes light.  Somehow or some way, I know this man came into my life.  I have to slow down though.  I am speaking in terms of forever to a man I hardly know.  But here I am. jumping on my faith.  I am smart enough to know when to hold back.  The thing about it is, I have never felt beautiful and he makes me feel oh so beautiful.

But Faith.  What is it?  It was National Suicide Week last week and I thought about how I tried to commit suicide and failed.  I was saved.  I jumped in to see how far the rabbit hole goes, and it was a deep one.  I often wonder about this life and the next.  Will my True Self make it to the next life?  Or the next dimension?  Or will I just be a shadow of a person I once was.  Who is God anyway?  What does he mean to me.  The depression is sneaking in again, as I miss my soldier.  Our time is so short.  Just like our time on this Earth.

Have faith.  Just have faith.

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Part of a Letter…..

Handwritten letterSo this blog is somewhat a part of a diary I am keeping.  Since my writing has been messed up lately because of all the meds, I am going to write something I may never get to mail. As I spoke to my soldier, I told him I would write to him.  I may never see him online again so I just wanted to write this to remind myself of what I felt today.

Dear C,

You have no idea what coming to my life has done.  What it has shown me.  God brought you to me, oh my angel.  I close my eyes and see your smile and I cry.  Moments like this happen once in a lifetime.  I am prepared that I will never see your smile again, but the time of love and laughter we shared was timeless.

You will be with me forever and always,  Our time capsule sealed forever in an ocean of love.

You opened my heart.  Of course I wonder what it would be like to hold you.  Have a real solid kiss.  You know a long passionate one.  I love you,  Wherever you are.  It feels so good to have an open heart.  To allow myself to love again without no expectations.  I am just freeing my love out there for the world to see me in all my nakedness.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

If I never see you again, I will never forget the gift you gave to me.  You made me so beautiful and a man out there will see me.  Maybe it will be you.  But even if it isn’t at least I know its possible.

I love you.



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A Moment in Time, A Love Story with a Soldier

115 Love & Romance WallpapersWell I outdid myself this time. My darkness has lifted.  This angel lifted me. After the past few months of dating disasters and online exploits to find my one and only true love, I think I may have actually experienced it. Some of you may not know, but I have a very naughty and “adult” side to myself.  I visit adult chatrooms and show off my “goods” to all the hungry on-lookers. Most are men but there are some women too.  One even complimented my nails as I was massaging my boobs on cam.  All this is done with me not showing my face of course. Cause God forbid someone would recognize me!

Among all the nonsense and lewd comments being thrown my way, which used to make me horny but for some reason started to feel empty and not fulfilling anymore, there was a couple of messages from a soldier from Afghanistan,  He said I made his day and that I was beautiful.  They don’t have access to porn over there. so this sex chatroom was the most action he was getting.  Now he could be totally full of shit and not be a soldier from Afghanistan but I said what the heck and messaged him after I left the room.

We talked on cam.  Me fully clothed and him as well.  We had an amazing three hours together, and for that short time I felt what love could actually be like..  Mind you this started with him staring and leering at my naked breasts, but I had one of the best times I have ever had with this man.  His kindness, his warmth and oh my god that smile of his. So genuine.

My escapades the past few months through all the empty online sex, through all the pitiful first dates where I was rejected, and even the online guys who blocked me simply because I was too nice or just plain stupid and opened my heart up to quickly, this is a moment in time I will never forget.  A real spiritual moment.  I called him my soulmate, which is probably wrong of me and probably got me blocked, but it was love at first sight over the cam.  You are thinking this is nuts right?  Well I have A LOT of experience in the online dating world so I know what I feel and no one can tell me otherwise.  I know what I felt. This man.  This soldier, a million miles away in a battered country reached out to me and I aroused him physically and mentally.  Even the real me was arousing to him.  Where the dates I had rejected me and threw me aside, not knowing my full potential.

A moment in time with a soldier, will be forever in my memory.  He said he would come back online, but he is late and I think he won’t show.  But its alright.  I know now love exists.  It is out there, and can be found in the most unlikely of places.  God is with me always, even in my sinful ways and devious acts.  He showed me infinite mercy and saw me in my empty state and sent this angel to brighten my day.

He may be married.  He may be lying about everything.  But the smiles and the laughs we shared for those three hours made me believe.  I am a believer.  I believe I am beautiful. The world is filled with endless people and human beings longing to connect.  I may never see my soldier again, but the love I felt and the harmony that was exchanged was priceless, timeless.  Like those chick flicks we see.   So many people running around, just a moment, a precious moment and you can see what this life is.

To my soldier, we may never see each other again, but thank you.  Thank you for showing me that God can find me in the most darkest sinful places and shine bright a soul that I can connect with and brighten my soul for a brief moment in time.  I will be forever grateful.

Tonight I sleep with a smiling soul and heart.


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Twists and Turns, Depression, Dating and New Horizons

sunAndShoreSo I have recently fallen out of despair.  The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster.   So many tears wept, and fighting with my inner light.  My essence has been reaching out to me for me to take care of myself.  My higher power was saying, “No this is not right.” After being rejected several times, I had hit a new low.  Lowering myself to men.  Giving into those that would just use me for sex.  All was done online, but there are those that I actually considered meeting and just fucking.  Hey at least they thought I was attractive.  I even contacted the last man I had sex with 4 years ago.  The married man.  God someone slap me.

I was feeling amazingly guilty, that God was going to punish me.  Or He was punishing me. But I was punishing me.  Engaging in these activities took the power away from me.  I control me.  No one else does.  I have taken life by the reigns and I am headed in.  I am going to my first Star Trek Meet up Group tomorrow.  No one will know me.  I have been a member for 9 years but never went to one meeting cause I thought I was too fat and ugly to go.  I have struggled so long with so many things, and now I am taking a leap to meet new people.  I am also going to meet one of the guys that didn’t reject me there.  We haven’t officially “met” but I think with both of us struggling with Depression, going out and meeting new people and discussing a common interest we both love and have will be a good experience.  I am going into this with no expectations.  Just gonna meet some good folks and talk Trek.  No one would guess I am a Trekkie.  But I am.  I love it.

So no more despair.  No more being punished by God.  Just forgiving myself and moving forward.  That’s all I can do.  Loving myself more.  That’s all I can do.  Love life.  Let your spirit guide you.  Only YOU can control you.  No one else can.  For those that are struggling you are worth it.  I have seen my share of darkness.  Time for some light.

Stay tuned.

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